Gerry Adams denies existence of the newspaper articles about him denying he was in the IRA


Former Sinn Fein President Gerry Adams has denied that there are any stories in the paper today about him denying IRA membership.

Mr Adams was speaking to a press conference launching The Gerry Adams Guide to Kittens, the latest book aimed at reimagining the retired politician as a cuddly eccentric who spent the entire troubles writing poetry.

“These rumours have no foundation whatsoever,” he told reporters. “My name has never appeared on the front page of a newspaper for anything other than me doing something wacky or amusing, like hugging a tree or trampolining naked with a Labrador.”

Mr Adams was then challenged by a journalist who showed him several newspapers and link on the BBC website, all of which quoted a source who claims that he had lied about his lack of an IRA past.

“Those papers are figments of your imagination,” he retorted, waving his hands in a hypnotic fashion.

“Look into my eyes, look into my eyes, when I click my fingers you will forget everything about this, and think I’m a grand fella who says silly things on Twitter.”

In a related story, Sinn Fein have said they will be investing all the money that weird boy in England left them in his will in a new West Belfast healthcare facility.

The Gerry Adams Memory Loss Clinic will open tomorrow, if Gerry remembers where the keys are.