How much do you need a good boot up the hole?


Have you ever wondered whether you need a good boot up the hole? Of course you have.

Luckily the psychologists at Fivemiletown University have been looking into this eternal question, and have come up with a handy test to help you find out….

1. How do you talk into a mobile phone?

  • A. Quietly, holding it to my ear.
  • B. On a handsfree, so I look like I’m talking to myself in the street.
  • C. I shout loudly while holding it away from my face like I’m on The Apprentice.

2. What kind of drinks do you order in pubs?

  • A. Just pints or bottled beer. Maybe a glass of wine with a meal and the occasional short (but only with one mixer).
  • B. Pretty much the same as A, but the odd time I might order a hot whiskey so the barman has to faff around with kettles.
  • C. Extremely complicated cocktails that take ages to make so that no one else can get served.

3. Assuming you’re a grown-up, would you ever consider using a skateboard?

  • A. No, they’re for weans.
  • B. I might if I was playing with the kids.
  • C. I travel to work on one everyday, even though I’m in my early 30s and should know better.

4. Would you ever take your shoes off in work?

  • A. Never. No one should be barefoot in work except folk in the Olympics and maybe those masseurs who walk up and down your back.
  • B. Maybe, if my shoes got very wet.
  • C. Every day, I enjoy the feel of dirty carpet under my feet and I’m a complete pervert.

5. When driving, how often do you indicate?

  • A. Always.
  • B. Usually, I mightn’t bother if there’s no one else around.
  • C. Never. I own the road and you scumbags just have to guess where I’m going.

6. How many tattoos do you have?

  • A. None.
  • B. Just a wee discreet one on my shoulder.
  • C. All of my limbs are plastered in Maori body art even though I’m from Newtownstewart.

7. How much stuff do you buy in petrol stations?

  • A. Petrol or diesel, and a can of Lilt if I’m thirsty.
  • B. Same as A, but maybe a loaf or milk if I run out through the week.
  • C. My entire weekly shop. I load up two trolleys and then try to pay using a whole rake of out-of-date vouchers I cut out of the paper before forgetting my PIN number and writing a cheque.

How did you get on? 

Score 0 points for every A, 5 points for every B and 10 points for a C.

0 – 10 points: Your arse is safe

10 – 25 points: You’re borderline, the occasional fly kick may be needed.

25 – 50 points: Time to invest in a pair of steel underpants.

50 and above: You should never be able to sit down again.