Local man celebrates completing “dry first few days of January”

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A Dundonald man is celebrating wildly this evening after managing to go 4 days without alcohol.

The man, who can’t remember his name, embarked on his epic ‘Dryathlon’ on New Years Day, vowing to avoid alcohol for the entire month, “perhaps even a bit longer, maybe through til Valentine’s Day.”

This target was amended on Tuesday, when he realised that the month of January includes several weekends.

“Just Saturdays, that makes more sense,” he told us. “You see, you can’t fully detox without the odd wee bit of retoxing to make sure your body knows the benefits. I read that on the internet, so it’s FACT.”

However, after surviving a difficult Thursday, he reached a unanimous decision with himself to have “a couple” on Friday, and has since discovered that there’s “a wile lock of cans” in the cupboard left over from Christmas.

“There was no room for ‘the big shop’ tomorrow, so I’ve decided to do the decent thing and clear them up tonight,” he explained, while he could still speak.

The move has been welcomed by the man’s partner, who is now set to buy a range of healthy and nutritious groceries, after 3 weeks of eating shite. “I got rid of all the bad, unhealthy food that was laying around the house today” she explained.

“It was lovely”

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