Wednesday, February 28, 2024
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Nation celebrates as politicians go back to doing nothing

The people of Northern Ireland breathed a collective sigh of relief this morning as the country’s political representatives returned to their default setting, of doing as little as possible, as often as they could. We sent our reporters around the country to get the reaction of the beleaguered electorate.

“I’m just glad it’s all over,” said Limavady man Susan Sainsbury, “Every time the doorbell went it was Gregory Campbell going on about ouija boards and yoghurt. By the end of April I took to hiding behind my sofa when I heard footsteps outside. My nerves are clean wrecked.”

In South Belfast some voters had even more hair raising experiences. “I couldn’t step outside the front door without being lit on by Mairtin O’Muilleoir looking to get a selfie with me, or film me on his Periscope yoke,” we were told by Markets resident Brian Tesco, “I was starting to think I was the famous one.”

It was worse for Castlereagh Road man William Eurospar. “All I wanted to do was take the dog for a walk,” he said, “but as soon as I shouted ‘walkies’, Johnny Bell was round trying to kiss the poor hound. She’s traumatised, so she is, it’s going to cost me a fortune in vet’s bills.”

Derry native Patsy Lidl told us she couldn’t even find sanctuary in her own home. “I’d get in, turn on the TV and settle down to watch the soaps,” she explained, “but there they were ‘debating’, every f**king night. It was like listening to herd of cows having a farting competition in a swimming pool, only louder and with more shite.”

We did ask some MPs for comment, but they all said that they were too busy filling in their expenses claims for the driving they did during the election. However, when you consider the amount of time they spent harassing us over the last few weeks, we’re sure they won’t mind if we all start calling to their houses when they’re having their tea, and asking them how they intend to vote in parliament.





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