Right, the voting has stopped, the counting has started, and we’ve got the beers in. We have reporters at all the counts around the country, so join us here at the Ulster Fry media centre as we bring you all the important developments, plus some stuff we make up when it gets a bit shite.
All you have to do is click refresh the odd time, and drink when this game tells you to…..
10.05pm: Nothing much has happened yet, but we’ve had four shots each because of hung parliaments.
10.10pm: The BBC have done some kind of exit poll yoke and it looks like the SNP are going to take over everything apart from Kent. 316 C, 239 Lab, 58 SNP, 10 LD, 4 PC, 2 UKIP, 2 G, 19 Other. I think we’re the others, plus one other other.
10.20pm: exciting scenes in Sunderland as they aim to break the record for the fastest ever count. Meanwhile in West Tyrone the ballot boxes are being ferried to the count centre in a tractor link box. I’ve just had a half pint for not understanding a graph. Scenes from around the centres here being shown on the BBC. Mostly people sitting around drinking tea.
10.32pm: big story brewing at the King’s Hall. Our man on the ground has looked at some stuff and it seems like Sinn Fein may lose West Belfast to the Ulster Unionists.
10.43pm: Why are they called hung parliaments? Surely that’s sexist? You don’t get ‘big diddy’ parliaments. I think we should be told.
10.55pm: Sunderland South has been announced. A gain for Sinn Fein.
11.05pm: It’s mostly people arguing on the BBC at the moment, some men are looking at laptops and talking about Willie McCrea but really they’re looking at 1970s porn.
11.25pm: Sorry, got sidetracked by being f**king bored. Arlene Foster and Stephen Farry are on now. They’d make a lovely couple. I think someone blamed the IRA there. Drink a half pint.
11.40pm: Gerry Adams is talking to Mark Carruthers. Mark has very nice lipstick, Gerry has too many teeth for one mouth. Sammy Wilson is on the main BBC Election coverage. He has the reddest face in politics.
11:50pm: The people on the BBC2 coverage (from England) are talking about the DUP sharing power with the Conservatives. Like, it’s one thing sharing power with the Shinners, but the Conservatives?
12:01am: Stopped watching the BBC2 stuff as they’re going on about Scotland. Turned back to BBC1 and they’re going on about sectarian head counts. Should have had that one in the drinking game. In fact, everyone drink for sectarian head count. Martina Anderson is making odd squeaky sounds.
12.10am: Strong words from Reg Empey, but still no confirmation if he’ll be be reprising his role as Emperor Palpatine in StarWars VII. Martina Anderson will be playing Jar Jar Binks.
12.20am: BREAKING NEWS! Starting to feel a bit pissed here, mainly due to the words “hung parliament”. Think we need some crisps.
12:25am: Election Fact – According to the Guinness Book of Records. Jeffrey Donaldson has the smallest mouth in politics.
12:35am: Election Fact 2 – Lady Sylvia Hermon shares a secret hideout with Sinn Fein’s Pat Doherty. The two only emerge every five years to get voted back into power, before crawling back into their dark secluded cave.
12.40am: David Blunkett on BBC1 saying that he hopes the DUP will act as a moderating influence on the Conservatives #clutchingatstraws
12.50am: Went for a piss there, what did we miss? This is quality coverage.
12.55am: Exclusive Ulster Fry Poll yoke
01.05am: Martina Anderson eh? There are several tools in the box, some may be less blunt.
01.15am: Seems there could be a result from North Antrim soon, with wee Ian a shoe in, you would think. However we’re hearing that there has been a late surge by the North Korean Communist Party and IPJ could be unseated.
01.20am: Jeffrey Donaldson has been elected in Lagan Valley. Daniel O’Donnell is nowhere to be seen. Congrats to our chosen candidate Jonny Orr for his creditable 756. Lisburn still needs a boot up the hole.
01.30am: Rumours that the BBC used the same camera for their interview of David Simpson that they used on Whale Watch live are cruel and unfounded.
01.40am: For the benefit of the 12 people reading this, SF’s Pat Doherty has been “returned to serve in Westminster” for West Tyrone. This means he will disappear for five years until the next election.
01.50am: Sorry, got distracted there. They’re coming in thick and fast now, as Jeffrey Donaldson used to say. Baby Ian wins North Antrim and Mark (No H) Durkan wins Foyle. That’s no change, again. They’re singing a hymn in North Antrim, drink a shot.
2.00am: Willie McCrea’s out. Shame when someone loses their part time job.
2.15am: Lady Sylvia in, Jim Shannon in, someone else in I think. It’s like a brains trust our line up for Westminster.
2.20am: David Simpson. Magnanimous in victory.
2.30am: I think some stuff happened there. I got another beer and forgot to look at the television.
2.45am: Gavin Robinson takes East Belfast from Alliance. For some reason Peter Robinson decided not to stand. Gavin has managed to snatch defeat from victory by giving the most angry winning speech of all time, whilst looking like Lurch.
3.05am: Some other stuff is happening, but we’re a bit pissed. Sammy Wilson has held West Belfast and Sinn Fein have won East Antrim.
3.35am: Nigel Dodds holds North Belfast. I’m bored now. We’ll come back in three weeks and give you live updates on the Fermanagh South-Tyrone count.