New NI Secretary to be “just as shit as the last one”, promises Boris


Following the news that Secretary of State Karen Bradley has been sacked, Boris Johnson has reassured people in Northern Ireland that her replacement, Julian Smith, will be just as ineffective – with a similar lack of interest and knowledge.

“We have a long and proud tradition of appointing ministers who clearly couldn’t be arsed with the job,” explained Boris this morning, “and I’m delighted to tell you that dozens of underwhelming politicians you’ve never heard of were lining up around the block in the hope of escaping last night, before I picked one of them!”

“This is exactly the lack of passion and never say aye attitude that is needed in the role, and reflects the commitment of my government towards peace and stability in Northern Ireland.”

Mr Smith says that he was looking forward to the new role.  “I’ve a deep interest in Northern Ireland affairs, going back over 12 hours, and will be conducting thorough research on the peace process.”

“I’ve already read the first four pages of The Horrible Histories book on Ireland and will make sure to watch anything that features Eamonn Holmes.”

“A new round of talks will begin as soon as the Sinn Feiners finish up their summer Orange Parades, and I’ll call Arlene Foster when she gets back from her pilgrimage to Lourdes.”