There is a growing fear among officials at Stormont that representatives on the “Super Councils”, due to take the reins of local government tomorrow, will use their new found “superpowers” for evil purposes.
“Cutting the number of councils from 26 to 11 inevitably meant there’d be fewer councillors.” said DOE Minister Mark Hercules Durkan. “So we began a secret initiative to ‘power-up’ the best candidates by injecting them with radioactive chemicals in the hope that this would allow them to develop the superpowers to take on the job.”
“Sadly, many of these experiments went wrong,” he explained, “so now around 93% of our councillors are hideous mutants that are more likely to build massive underground bases than of leisure centres and recycling depots.”
When we interviewed some of the new councillors it soon became clear that Minister Durkan’s fears are well founded. “I got bit by a radioactive spider,” said 63 year old Herbert Dibdab, a DUP representative from Portadown. “Now I can shoot jizzy stuff out of my wrists, and can stick to walls willy nilly. I fully intend to use this power to jizz up the swings on a Sunday.”
His Sinn Fein counterpart in Foyle and Strabane, 48 year old Curly Whorley, had a similar story. “They made me eat uranium sandwiches for a week. Now when I get angry, I get even greener than normal and turn into some kind of massive Republican monster, wearing very small trousers. I’ll probably smash stuff with my new found super-strength, beginning with the H Blocks and then the Occupied Six County Statelet.
In Belfast, Alliance Councillor Parma Violet told us she had developed telekinetic powers as a result of the programme. “I’m going to change my name to Parma Violent,” she revealed, “and use my psychic abilities to magically remove flags from council buildings. I might replace them with giant fluffy peace rabbits or some similar cross community emblems, but not a flag, you bastards.”
However worried ratepayers should be calmed by Mr Durkan’s plans to counter the super-councillor menace. “We’ve begun experiments to give the electorate similar powers,” he explained. “Hopefully by the next election everyone will have X-Ray vision, so they can see clean through all the bullshit and elect some half sensible representatives.”