“New year, new me!” promises everyone, again


People across Northern Ireland are preparing to undertake a series of life changing commitments they failed to achieve last year – and the year before, the Ulster Fry has learned.

“I’m not drinking a drop of booze in 2018!!” explained 37 year old Brandy Anne-Bailey from Belfast this morning over a bowl of Cocopops and Tia Maria. “Just gonna have one last blow-out tonight, then a few tomorrow to cure the hangover – and that’s me 100% off it for good!”

“Although we’ve a fair pile of leftover drink that needs used up” she admitted. “and I’m not back to work til Thursday…. but definitely by next Monday, I’ll be on the wagon!”

Fitness and nutrition are high on the agenda for others.

“When I finish those three tins of Quality Street I’m giving up takeaways, carbs, sugar, sweeteners, butter, calories and caffeine” explained 29 year old fatness fanatic, Jim Induction. “And then I’m gonna workout three times a day, only eat Kale and get my entire water intake from a wet sponge that was once dipped in lemon juice at high altitude”

“I lost almost 90 pounds doing it last January” he revealed. “although their prices may have gone up this year!”

For others more practical matters are pressing.

“We’re gonna knuckle down and do some actual work next year” pledged office colleagues, Arlene and Michelle. “We basically got paid for doing feck all in 2017…” they explained. “but we’ve talked it over, and in 2018 we’re gonna start talking about the possibility of talking to each other about starting talks that might potentially lead to us talking again.”

No-one in Northern Ireland was available for comment as they were too busy holding their breath – however surprisingly political sarcasm wasn’t the main cause.

“Most of the greedy hurs have the hiccups” revealed a source.