As the scandal grows over the handling of the Social Investment Fund in Northern Ireland, several charities and community groups here are sensationally set to re-position themselves as terror groups in a bid to get better funding.
“We heard all the craic today on Nolan,” said Toby Pencil from the now defunct NI Guide Dog Association, “It’s beginning to feel like it’s easier to get your hands on public money if you’re a front for some kind of paramilitary group, so we’re going to try it the other way round.”
“We’re rebranding as the Irish National Labradoration Army from tomorrow, and training all our dogs to covertly crap on public pavements. We’ll be making shitloads in no time!”
This is a view shared by Gerry Hatrick from the newly formed Lisburn Pensioner’s Aid. “We put in an application for help with a ‘meals-on-wheels’ service a while ago but heard nothing back. This time round we’ve booby-trapped the van, maybe they’ll listen now.”
Meanwhile, in East Belfast, a shadowy group called the Real Ulster Volunteer Force has been touring the area actually doing voluntary work. “We’ll probably have to deal drugs the odd time to maintain our cover,” said 67-year-old Brigadier Sammy Handyman, “but we’ll try and keep it to Calpol and Feminax.”
However one local charity is refusing to change its name.
“Sure we’ve been at this carry-on for years, I’m surprised it took so long for the rest to catch on,” said Major Iva Trumpet, from the Salvation Army.