Northern Ireland faces hottest, coldest, wettest or windiest winter ever, say local papers

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We can expect extreme conditions over the coming months as Northern Ireland prepares for some of the most exaggerated weather since local newspaper records began.

Temperatures are set to plummet to minus 15/soar into the high-20s as cold/warm winds bring arctic/tropical conditions from the North/South.

”We should all expect to wrap up warm/strip down to our knickers,” said top local weatherman Barra Best/Frank Mitchell. “By mid-November it could be colder than the North Pole/warmer than Lanzarote out there, so we could be in for a white/brown Christmas.”

The startling predictions were confirmed by the Met Office/Met Eireann/The Wither-Boord o’ Ulster Scots who issued Amber/Orange/Red/Green/Beige warnings for gales/tornadoes/hurricanes/gentle breezes/wet farts.

These winds are likely to wreak havoc/blow gently, with gusts of up to 100/less than 2 miles per hour as the storms/breezes batter/tickle our coastlines.

Floods/droughts of Biblical/Koranic proportions can also be expected, with farmers expected to complain whatever happens.

However Ulster Fry weatherman/woman Angry Phillips disagrees. “The chances are it’ll be no different to any other winter we have,” he/she told us.

“It’ll mostly be a wee bit cold and wet, with maybe a couple of days when it’d freeze your balls/diddies off then a clatter of snow in May.”

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