Tory Chancellor George Osborne was unfortunately struck down with a chronic dose of smugness this morning, forcing him to turn to his Uncle Ozzy to present the budget.
The Black Sabbath frontman is not well known for his economic acumen, but nevertheless is believed to have spent the morning redrafting his nephew’s plans in what he described as “a bid to provide stimulants to the economy.” These are believed to include…
- The immediate abolition of duty on cigarettes and alcohol. According to Mr Osborne “the country’s f**ked man, we may as well enjoy the ride downwards.”
- The financial loss incurred through this change will be offset by a tax on quad bikes and “music of a non-metallic origin.”
- The legalisation of marijuana will be accompanied by a 10 pence per spliff duty. The money raised from this tax will be used to purchase munchies from the all night garage.
- The free provision of bat replacement therapy on the NHS
Conservative Prime Minister David Cameron is said to be shocked at the news, but sadly he too became inexplicably ill this morning with a severe dose of the shits. His stand-in for the role, movie director James Cameron, has agreed to Mr Osborne’s proposals on condition there is greater investment in the Terminator industry.
Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn is also believed to be ill but unfortunately no one with his surname is available to replace him.
Ronnie Corbett will be making a statement shortly.