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People counting number of sleeps to Xmas “need a good boot up the hole”

A new pressure group has released a statement today demanding “urgent action” to deal with people who are getting really excited about Christmas even though it’s not even Halloween yet.

The Ulster Society for the Prevention of Christmas Arseholery (USPCA) issued the appeal after decorations began appearing across the country. “Counting sleeps is f**king ridiculous anyway,” said USPCA chief Bernard Cross, “is there anything more annoying than those Facebook posts saying ‘only five more sleeps til I see you Mr Snuffles xoxox’ and the like? You’re not three years old FFS, surely you can measure time in some more mature manner than the amount of sleep you’ll get.”

This already heinous crime is worsened whenever Christmas is involved. “There is absolutely no need to count down to the event from 85 sleeps. That’s what Advent Calendars are for, 24 days, end of story. We need the government to show leadership on this.”

Lurgan woman Angela Topatree disagrees with the statement, telling us that she likes to get her decorations up early “to get in the mood”. “I have a special Advent Calendar that counts down from the previous Christmas,” she told our reporter. “It’s f**king ginormous, so it is, fills the whole of the kitchen door, but it helps me plan ahead – I got the tree up when the kids went back to school and himself will be mounting Santa on the chimney next weekend.”

However Santa himself supports the move. “This premature decoration has to stop,” he told our North Pole correspondent. “Bringing gifts to all the children on the globe is a very stressful job, the last thing I need is the added pressure of folk getting excited about it in October.”

“Then you’ve got to think about how all the Halloween ghosts and witches feel. Me and the other mythical characters have the year divided up, can you imagine poor old St Valentine’s reaction if the Easter Bunny was getting all the attention in February? There’s a time and a place.”

We tried to get a comment from the government but were told that they’re all too busy arguing about some trivial shite called Brexit.

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