“Sure we’re all taking the piss,” admit politicians

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Amid growing shock and outrage over what has been dubbed “Pissgate” – the admission by Sinn Fein candidate John Finucane that he was caught having a slash in the street – local politicians have rallied round to confirm that they, too, regularly take the piss in public.

“There really isn’t a story here,” confirmed Nigel Dodds, Mr Finucane’s fierce rival for the North Belfast constituency.

“I’ve built a career creating steaming puddles of verbal urine,” he told us, as he stepped out from behind a phone box on the Woodvale Road. “Sure it’s only a couple of months since I was saying how secure the Union was under Boris Johnson, now listen to me!”

Sinn Fein’s Northern Commander Michelle O’Neill took a break from squatting in a West Tyrone bus shelter to confirm her party’s long standing commitment to taking the piss.

“I’m just after telling everyone how great we’ll be at resisting Brexit, sitting in our constituency offices dealing with people’s complaints about bins,” she admitted. “Half of those complaints are about politicians pissing behind them on their way home from ‘social events’ as well!”

Members of the voting public are equally unimpressed by the revelation.

“Isn’t that what all our elections are about here?” asked 48-year-old Pauline Booth. “They mark out their territory like dogs in the street, then piss our money up against the wall as they rake in the expenses.”

We tried to contact Ian Paisley Jr for comment but his phone was in airline mode.

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