People across the Province let out a collective “ye wha?” today after Northern Ireland was declared the ‘happiest place in the UK’ by a well-being survey.
“Ye sure it wasn’t a survey of unwell-beings?” joked Tyrone resident Carol Gas. “Sure you canny even get a decent phone signal in this neck of the woods, and all we do is argue about whether we’re in the UK in the first place,” she told us, by postcard.
Despite this complaint, we’ve had a look at some of the main reasons Norn Iron people are so happy.
Our excellent transport network
Covering an astounding three counties of our sprawling Province, NI Railways allow passengers to visit places cars have been avoiding for generations. Our road system is no less impressive, featuring innovative bits of tarmac for tractors to pull in so you can overtake. Shame no one ever uses them.
The marching season
Tourists flock to Northern Ireland every year to celebrate the Twelfth of July, which begins in February and ends roughly around September. It’s one day you don’t want to miss!
Our healthy diet
The survey claims that Larne people are the happiest in the country. This also makes everyone else happy because if Larne wasn’t there its people might end up living near the rest of us.
The lovely weather
Northern Ireland gets more Sun than any other region in the UK. We also get the Daily Mirror, the Guardian, and the Belfast Telegraph. Usually cos it’s too wet to go outside and they have football in them.
Great job opportunities
With the abundance of jobs in call centres with zero hours contracts, NI folk love the monthly heart attack feeling of wondering if they should pay their mortgages or feed their kids. Where else in the world can you phone your own call centre to see where your tax credits are, then turn yourself down?
Lack of English people
One of the great things about not living in England is not living with English people. Recent census data has revealed that Northern Ireland is primarily populated by people from Northern Ireland, who according to a survey taken amongst ourselves, range from being ‘dead on’ and ‘quare craic’ to ‘wile sound’.
Our system of government
The rest of the planet looks on in envy at the workings of Stormont, one of the great beacons of world democracy. The standard of debate is unmatched – if the House of Commons is the Mother of all Parliaments, then Stormont has to be the Muthaf**ka.