The Ulster Fry guide to a drunken night out


It’s Friday at last, you might be planning a night out. Here’s our prediction of what will happen…..

1 Getting Ready


This used to be easy for men and complicated for women, but modern “grooming habits” changed that. Women get together, put on ‘mekup’ and talk about woman stuff; men now have to apply beard oils as well as wash themselves. Unless you’re a culchie, then just change shitty boots for clean boots, maybe with a checked shirt. That’s for both men and women.

2 The Carry Out


In England it’s “pre-loading”, in Northern Ireland it’s a bottle of wine and four cans. It’s also the best part of the evening, Shite can be talked without shouting and everyone is still capable of walking. It’s all down hill from here.

3 The Pub


Usually a crowded place with overpriced drinks that make you glad you had that carry out. You queue for ages to get served because some bastard in front of you is ordering cocktails, so get double rounds in. Inevitably someone suggests shots, leading to ……

4 Slabbering


You are the font of all knowledge. Your expertise is boundless. You impress folk you fancy with witty stories and devastating put downs. You are slabbering. You will keep slabbering for the rest of the night, but right now you are the slabber-meister.

5 Bad Dancing


You may be in a bar with a dance floor, or you may go to a ‘club’. You promise yourself you won’t dance but eventually you yield and “throw some shapes”. Chances are you end up…..

6 Falling on your hole


This can happen at any stage of the evening but usually when you step outside into fresh air and are suddenly hit by the huge quantity of alcohol you’ve consumed. You find a tempting piece of street furniture and attempt to vault it like an Olympic hurdler. Then you fall on your hole.

7 A Gravy Chip


Or whatever shite your limited powers of speech allow you to order in some hole you’d avoid during the week. It’s raining and you can’t get a cab, so this’ll sustain you on the way home. Once there you intend to finish your carry-out and keep slabbering, but stage 8 is more likely.

8 Boking your ring


There must’ve been something wrong with that gravy chip.
Your insides are torn out as you kneel over the toilet bowl, hoping that the previous user flushed. However even as you yack your hoop into the porcelain pool, you congratulate yourself on what a great night out you’ve had.

9 The Morning After


The bowel wrenching discomfort you are suffering is nothing compared to the half-remembered snippets of slabbering that occasionally return to your mind. You check your phone for status updates, hurriedly delete the lovingly dedicated tunes you posted at 4am. Then you remember you can’t delete texts.

10 Sukie and a Sausage Roll


There can only be one cure for this sickness. You need the cool, life-giving properties of Sukie, and the stomach lining powers of a sausage roll. Crisps are also advisable as they contain vitamins and minerals essential in returning you to normality, so that you can move onto number 11….

11 Getting Ready


Ach sure it’s still the weekend. You may as well….