Tuesday, December 6, 2022
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The Ulster Fry Guide to the 2022 Assembly Election

Unsure of who to vote for? We’ve read all the election stuff that’s been rammed through our letterbox and have put together a quick guide to all the main parties to help you out.

(The parties are in alphabetical order in case someone gets offended).

The Alliance Party

The Alliance Party is led by East Belfast MLA Naomi Short. It is a centrist party which offends everyone equally, so it doesn’t have a position on whether or not there should be a United Ireland in case one side gets more offended than the other. If elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools.

The Democratic Unionist Party (DUP)

The DUP is a Unionist Party. Although it quite liked the NI Protocol at the start, that all changed when Jim Allister took over as leader in 2021. Its main focus is now on scrapping the protocol and protecting the Union by stopping other Unionist parties winning seats. If elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools.

The Green Party

We weren’t going to do the Greens but they might sue us if we don’t include them as a main party. It is led by Claire Bailey, and wants to solve the border question by turning the whole island into a rain forest. Probably. Also, if elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools.

People Before Profit (PBP)

We also weren’t going to include thesuns, but the Greens are in now and we don’t want to be first up against the wall after the Revolution. PBP are led by yer man who never wears a tie and hope to have a United Ireland which will gradually extend to cover the entire world in a global socialist republic. If elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools.

Sinn Fein

Led by Mary Lou MacDonald, who isn’t standing for election here, and Michelle O’Neill, who is, Sinn Fein is a strongly Nationalist Party that wants to unite Ireland by making it so unpleasant for the Prods that they will want to leave. Its other policies include watching what way the wind is blowing and jumping on bandwagons. If elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools.

The SDLP

Everyone has now forgotten what the letters SDLP stand for, even the party leader St Columb Eastwood. Like Sinn Fein, they want a United Ireland, but unlike Sinn Fein they didn’t see the point of blowing up half the country to get it. If elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools.

The Ulster Unionist Party

The UUP is led by Doug Beattie, who apparently used to write jokes for Bernard Manning before becoming an MLA. It hopes to preserve the Union by making living here less unpleasant for people who aren’t “traditional” Unionists, which makes them a big pile of Lundys according to the other Unionist parties. If elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools.

Traditional Unionist Voice (TUV)

The TUV is DUP leader Jim Allister. It is a strongly Unionist Party that wants to save the Union by scrapping the NI Protocol, bringing down Stormont and time travelling the entire country back to 1953. If elected to power it says it will fix the NHS, sort out the cost of living crisis and solve all the problems in schools, presumably after bringing down Stormont.

There, that’s sorted. We can all rest easy that whoever wins, the schools and NHS will be sorted, and we won’t have to worry about the cost of living.

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