A Comber man has been airlifted to safety after spending several days stuck in the perpetual traffic jam that is usually called the Newtownards Road. It is understood that 42-year-old Billy Hackamore left his home around 4am on Thursday morning “hoping to beat the traffic” but became stranded in the roadworks at the Knock traffic lights. “I…
High Street tensions rise as Poundland ‘conducts viable nuclear test’
There is growing concern in security circles that traditional ‘High Street’ price wars may be about to escalate after Poundland began selling nuclear weapons in its Banbridge branch. The move comes amid heightened tensions in the budget shopping sector, with the ‘Big Two’ – Poundland and Poundworld – increasingly concerned about the rise of competitors like B&M,…
“Paramilitary retirement home” proposed for former Maze Prison site
The news that the Red Hand Commando group has asked to be legalised so that it can become an ‘Old Comrades Association’ has led to calls for a retirement home specifically for paramilitaries. “Lots of these guys are getting on in years,” says the brains behind the scheme, Sam Tex, “Our facility will cater for all…
DUP launch ‘Club 16-90’ budget holidays
In a shock development unrelated to anything in the news, it has emerged that the DUP has plans to launch its own travel agency. “Club 16-90 will offer attractive holidays whatever your budget, so long as that budget is absolutely humongous and probably paid by someone else,” said the DUP’s Travel and Tourism spokesman Thomas Crook.…
Adams set to deny ever being Sinn Féin President
Sinn Féin President Gerry Adams has told supporters that he intends to set a date when he’ll be able to deny ever having their support. “We have a 10 year plan,” he told a party gathering this morning. “By the time it’s finished I’ll be able to deny ever existing at all, a bit like…
The Ulster Fry Guide to….. County Tyrone
In the latest instalment of our in-depth guides to all things Northern Ireland, we tell you 8 fascinating facts you never knew about County Tyrone. 1. Tyrone is the only Northern Irish county visible from space. That’s right, it’s the biggest of the six counties, in fact it is so big that you could fit Australia, the USA…
UN plans round table ‘boot up the hole’ talks at Stormont
With the Stormont ‘talks’ lurching into a yet another crisis it appears that the United Nations may be forced to step in and give everyone involved a severe boot up the hole. “Your whole country is going to shit,” said a senior UN spokesman. “Half your population is on a hospital waiting list, your schools…
Driverless lorries “will still leave old dirty mags in hedges” says government
Government plans to test driverless lorries on the UK’s roads will ensure that their computer systems are able to replicate the behaviour of actual lorry drivers, The Ulster Fry has learned. “These new lorries will be able to do everything that a manned vehicle can do,” said Department of Transport spokesman Leyland Daft. “For example, they’ll still attempt to…
Exam board to offer GCSE in understanding GCSE results
The Council for the Curriculum, Examination and Assessment (CCEA) has been forced to introduce a new qualification which will help parents and pupils understand the GCSE process. They announced the plan this morning, after thousands of bewildered families received results letters. “Apparently I’ve got 196 in Biology Unit 1A Higher Intermediate Geography,” we were told by 15-year-old…
DUP MP Sammy Wilson washed away in floods
Prominent DUP MP Sammy Wilson and his views on climate change have been completely washed away in last night’s flooding, a party spokesman has admitted. The Ulster Fry understands that the East Antrim representative’s flood defences were finally breached by a torrent of water at 9pm last night, with satellite images showing him floating northwards off the coast of Scotland. “Sammy…