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Ulster Fry Party to field candidates in Assembly election

From the BBC News website. To be published 6pm.

The writers of local satirical website The Ulster Fry have revealed that they are to stand in the forthcoming Stormont election.

At a press launch in Belfast this morning the men behind the new Ulster Fry Party told reporters that they wanted to offer a genuine alternative to voters. “We want to avoid the clichés of the past,” they explained, “We’ll be offering a shared future, in an Ireland of equals, secure within the Union, open on Sundays.”

“No more Orange and Green politics – we’ll be somewhere in between, which is light brown as we’ve checked by mixing paint.”

Key policies were also unveiled at the press launch.

  • Education: support for Integrated Education and staggered school start/finish times to allow teenagers to spend more time in bed.
  • Transport: To reduce congestion and help job seekers there will be free bus passes for all under 20s and the unemployed. Paid for by a tax on BMWs and other non indicating vehicles.
  • Health: Anyone turning up at hospitals or doctor’s surgeries with “feck all wrong with them” will be fined
  • Crime: The introduction of the “good boot up the hole” as a deterrent to anti-social behaviour.
  • Culture: No more grants for sectarian murals and huge bonfires, instead there will be money for communities where there are no murals and bonfires are limited to large barbecues.
  • Parading: Investment in a world class parading stadium in the Titanic Quarter. The Paradium project will allow contentious parades and the associated protests and violence to be held off the streets – minimising disruption.
  • Gay marriage: will be legalised but not compulsory.
  • The economy: the abolition of VAT on crisps, beer and wine will boost ‘proper pubs’. To be paid for through a tax on fancy cocktails and restaurants that don’t use plates.
  • Europe: the party is broadly in favour of remaining in Europe, but is open to offers from other continents.

The authors of the occasionally funny site, Billy McWilliams and Seamus O’Shea, will be standing in the Belfast East and Foyle constituencies respectively, but more candidates are expected.

“It’s just ourselves for now but we’re lining up a few others.” says O’Shea, “At this point we’re seeking a big name from local TV – someone like Pamela Ballantine, Jackie Fullerton, or Mike Nesbitt.”

Anyone wishing to donate to the campaign can do so by clicking here.

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