What to watch out for in the leaders’ debate

It’s the last leaders’ debate before the election tonight, a final chance for everyone to mull over some tough questions – how do I decide between the DUP and Sinn Fein? Should I vote Alliance or TUV? What time’s this shite over?

To help you understand the high level debate that’ll be on display we’ve put together this handy guide….

How to spot a plant in the audience. 

In the biggest political scandal since the last one, the Alliance were recently ‘found out’ for getting people to phone in to talk shows with questions. All the parties do it – here’s how to spot them.

  1. Sinn Fein – Young man in his 20s wearing a T shirt. Asks a question about the Irish Language Act. Eventually gets cross and starts shouting about British Imperialism and people having Orange feet.
  2. DUP – Another youngish man but probably wearing a jacket/jumper combo. Asks each leader to explain how they’ll fight against the radical Republican agenda, even Michelle O’Neill.
  3. Alliance – Nice lady wearing twinset. Asks if there’ll still be prosecco after gay marriage.
  4. UUP – Young farmer type. Asks about milk quotas after Brexit then has an argument with himself and leaves to sit beside the DUP man.
  5. SDLP – No one from the SDLP will remember to turn up because it’s bedtime at the fold.

What they say / what they mean.

All the parties will use buzz words which they’ll try to get in at every opportunity. Here’s what a few of them mean…

  1. Respect – something which you expect to be afforded to your culture and/or point of view but are unwilling to give to others.
  2. Equality – See respect.
  3. Change – them getting into a position of power. Means different things to each party. For example – The SDLP think it means more masses on a Sunday, whereas the DUP think change is something you use to tie up swings on a Sunday.
  4. Corruption – this is something that other parties do and should always be “thoroughly investigated”. Anyone accusing your party of corruption is engaged in a Republican/Securocrat conspiracy to overthrow Arlene/derail the peace process.

What will the leaders say and do?

Apart from shout over each other – here’s what to expect.

  1. DUP – Arlene will look really cross and say Irish Language Act, Sinn Fein, and Brexit repeatedly.
  2. Sinn Fein – Michelle will talk extremely quickly so only Tyrone people understand what she says. Most likely it will also involve saying Irish Language Act, Sinn Fein and Brexit repeatedly. However unlike Arlene, she may mention the letters R, H and I.
  3. UUP – Mike will explain everything as if we’re three years old. He will also talk about RHI, and will say things about how much he loves Colum.
  4. SDLP – Colum will not say how much he loves Mike.
  5. Alliance – Naomi will try to talk faster than Michelle. She’ll start off being reasonable then call everyone balloons and punch Noel Thompson.

That’ll be pretty much it. On the bright side, it’ll be the last leaders’ debate until the next election – so we won’t have to watch another one until October.

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