“Whoever replaces me will be worse,” Foster reassures worried Unionists

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Arlene Foster has moved to calm fears that someone vaguely competent may replace her when she stands down as leader of the DUP and First Minister of the NI Executive.

“I can promise everyone that the gradual downward trajectory in the quality of Unionist leadership will continue,” she told The Ulster Fry.

“A mantle of mediocrity has been passed down since the glory years of Carson and Craig,” she explained. “If you look at my possible successors, you can rest assured that the next incumbent will be even more useless.”

As if to emphasise her point, Edwin Poots has emerged from the Great Flood to become the bookie’s favourite to replace Mrs Foster, and he too has offered reassurance to Unionist voters.

“Look, I’ll admit that the words “DUP” and “leadership” are a bit of a contradiction in terms, generally we just go along with whoever shouts the loudest. If I’m chosen to replace Arlene I fully intend to do exactly the same.

“My party will continue to defend the Union by adopting policies which alienate vast swathes of our population, until every single Unionist in Northern Ireland is right behind us.”

“Admittedly, we’ll have pissed off half our electorate so much they’ll have started thinking Dublin couldn’t do worse, but united we stand, divided we fall.”

In a related story, a party insider has revealed that Mrs Foster had resigned because 75% of her party was revolting.

“I always thought it’d be more than that,” he told us.

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