2020 to begin on Monday


Following an emergency survey of fridges and cupboards across the country, it has been unanimously decided that 2020 will now begin on Monday.

“I was all for starting back at the gym yesterday!” explained Belfast man, Chris Pringle. “However after noticing that I still had 24 Diet Coke in the back hall and my fridge was coming down with cans of Harp, I thought that it best to delay the New Year til after the weekend!”

“Plus that whole block of Cranberry Wensleydale is still in date!” he added.

The decision follows days of anxiety, as people reported dangerously high levels of gourmet cheese, crackers, tinned sweets, biscuits and untouched booze – fuelling rumours that the government would ask the EU for an extension to 2019.

Celebrations broke out across the country at the news – as well as Quality Street, Roses, Tunnocks Tea Cakes and a whole clatter of Highland Shortbread.

“I’m delighted that they’ve extended 2019!” revealed local mammy Candy Stash.  “I’ve been buying stuff for months and my crowd haven’t ate the half of it yet! There are still two full tins of Quality Street at the back of the linen closet, a couple of family circle biscuit boxes at the bottom of my wardrobe… and no one has eaten any of the Celebrations I hid out behind the coal bunker!”

“The ungrateful bastards!” she added.

Everyone’s New Year’s Resolutions will now begin on Monday 6th January at around lunchtime. Possibly Tuesday.