Dissidents ‘very close’ to uniting Ireland reveals poll

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Following another bomb scare today, the orchestrators of recent security alerts around the Province have today spoken of their ‘pride’ at finally uniting Ireland in a single unifying belief.

“Our figures indicate that we’re now approaching 99.98% agreement that we’re a bunch of f**kin cretins” revealed division commander Jim Hallion, a cunning military strategist who until now has evaded police detection by hiding in plain sight as an unemployed layabout.

“Once we get everyone behind a single idea, the plan is to start slowly changing their minds to suit our nefarious intentions. Or at least I think that’s what they are” he laughed. “They said a lot of cracker words in Despicable Me, it’s wile hard to keep track”

The unsuccessfulness of the current dissident terror campaign has been unparalleled in recent years. “Aye we estimate we’ve cost the PSNI tens of pounds worth of damage in thon yellow cordon-off tape” he boasted. “And sure if one of our poorly made bombs manages to kill someone eventually, we’ll just make more in-roads on convincing the remaining 0.02% of the population to get not behind us”

The claims have been rejected by 99.98% of the population however, who insist they DO want get behind dissidents… but only to give them a good boot up the hole.

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