With weather forecasters issuing grim predictions of Biblical storms, the government has issued a stern warning that the wind is likely to reach “bin threatening” proportions.
“We’re at ‘Bin-Con One’,” said Field Marshal Edward Gough-Barracks of Downing Street’s ‘COBRA’ crisis response committee. “Basically this means that there is severe danger that even full bins may be blown over, causing some kind of national catastrophe.”
As a result of the crisis the government has issued strict guidance to all bin owners, to help them minimise the danger.
“Everyone should bring their bins indoors,” said the Field Marshal, “preferably into the kitchen or downstairs toilet. I’ll be bringing mine into my billiard room, but I do that most weekends anyway. The lighter recycling boxes are in particular danger, so should be filled with water and placed in the bath.”
The government will be hoping to avoid a repeat of “The Great Bin Disaster” of 2012, when an estimated 113, 264 bins across the Northern Ireland were blown over in a single night, and over 40,000 recycling boxes went missing, presumed lost.
In one Coleraine street alone, 12 bins were uprooted, causing several residents to be late for work.