Sources close to the security services fear that the apparently placid gaggle of Goths that hang around Belfast City Hall are, in fact, a ruthless terrorist group intent on seizing control of the city’s government.
“Many of us pass them on a daily basis, and think nothing of it. ” said the high level source that we bumped into in the pub “But we’ve managed to infiltrate the group, and have discovered that for the last few months they’ve been secretly tunnelling under the grounds of the hall, and will soon emerge within the council chamber itself.
“It’s why they need to drink so much of that Monster energy drink, so they can do the work,” our source explained, and why they wear such heavy boots. Their leader is mad for health and safety so insists on protective footwear.”
Once inside a council meeting the group plans to blow the lights and take the mayor hostage. “They’re virtually invisible in darkness, what with all the black stuff they wear,” we were told, “and at the same time have amazing night vision developed through sitting in darkened rooms listening to Marylin Manson. The council security folk won’t stand a chance against them.”
The agent also revealed that there are several other ‘high level threats’ operating in the city centre. “That wee man outside Castlecourt with the violin/trumpet yoke? It’s actually a listening device and he’s working for the Russians. Then there’s the boy doing the limbo dance in Cornmarket, he’s a spy for the Peruvians. People don’t realise what a dangerous city we live in.”
We tried to contact MI5 to confirm the story but we couldn’t find them in the phone book.