Belfast City Council has been forced into the startling admission that Great Victoria Street is distinctly average.
The confession follows a visit by the European Streets Commission, an EU funded body which examines the naming of thoroughfares across the continent to see if there’s any advertising involved.
Three members of the Commission, chairperson Janet Street-Porter, Mike Skinner from hip hop band The Streets and the wee fuzzy haired one from street dance troupe Diversity, spent a week in the City and were shocked at what they found.
“Great Victoria St is clearly not even remotely great,” said celebrity mouthpiece Street-Porter. “The surfaces of the road and pavements are like ploughed fields and it’s full of Spides. To make matters worse, even if you manage to avoid getting run over by a U-turning taxi the chances are you’ll be trampled to death by the hordes of rampaging commuters emerging from the bus station. In short, it’s wick.”
Mr Skinner warned that other parts of Belfast were under investigation, much to the concern of council officials. “Dry your eyes, mate,” he told them in that weird sing-songy style of his. “It might just be a nickname but there isn’t much Golden about that mile long traffic jam is there?”
Meanwhile the wee fuzzy headed one from Diversity took things a step further. “Shaftesbury Square? Square my arse. I got my protractor out and there’s not a right angle about the place,” he said, whilst spinning around on his back.
As a result of the visit Great Victoria Street will be renamed Shit Victoria Street from the beginning of July, Shaftesbury Square will become Shaftesbury Triangle and the Golden Mile; the Golden Shower.
“Because it’s always raining and it stinks of pish,” explained Skinner.