‘Lovely girls’ banned from future parades, say Parades Commission


Following the removal of sexy promotional girls from high profile events including Formula 1, darts and road racing, the Northern Ireland Parades Commission have announced they’re banning provocatively dressed ladies from all future parades.

“For too long now crowds at both the Twelfth and St Patricks Day have been distracted by the sight of sexy leprechaun spides and hot loyalist chavs” explained Willie B. Walken from the Parades Commission.

“However the sexual objectification of women is totally unacceptable in modern day NI. It’s time we stamped out sexism in our society so we can focus on what really matters!”

“Sectarianism!” he added.

Surprisingly, the news has been met with agreement from both sides.

“On March 17th men and women should be able to come together in mutual respect, peace and harmony”┬árevealed St Paddy’s Day organiser, Sam Rockrovers.

“…before getting absolutely shit faced and consensually bucking the life out of each other!” he added.

Meanwhile the Orange Order are also aiming for political correctness.

“Besides the fact that we don’t allow women to join we’re actually quite progressive!” explained Orange Order spokesman, Richard Sashcroft.

“In fact all those hot loyalist flag-waving ladies lining the streets during our marches wearing nothing but hot-pants and union jack crop tops are quite distracting”

“So we’re glad they’ll voluntarily be wearing long skirts, high neck jumpers and sensible shoes from now on…. right?”

We didn’t contact any actual women about their views on the matter but we assumed they’d be grand with it.