Northern Ireland crowned world ‘being offended’ champions

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The Northern Ireland team has returned home victorious from the World Taking Offence at Stuff Championships, held this week in Tokyo, China.

The sport involves teams being shown images, text and film which is generally considered innocuous, but in which they must desperately try to find something offensive, whilst at all times displaying no sense of humour whatsoever. The eleven Northern Irish competitors, who come from across our divided community, successfully fought off all comers during some difficult contests, before defeating Scotland in a tense final.

“It’s been a hard week,” admitted team captain William Carson, “we came up against some really offensive things, and some not very offensive things which we had to try very hard to be offended by. I was shown a picture of some puppies playing with a ball, but I was able to work myself into a frenzy of righteous indignation when I spotted that the ball was green, decided that one of the dogs was a Gay and, by playing with a ball, he was mocking Jesus.”

“I was offended even before we got here,” says vice-captain Padraig Pearse O’Neill, “because they made me vice-captain and not joint-equal captain and called the team Northern Ireland. However my most difficult event was watching a film of some children playing hopscotch during their breaktime at school. Luckily I was able to imagine that there was an Orange parade going past several streets away, and then remembered that it should be called hopirish, or else it would be divisive.”

Former Culture Minister Caral ni Chuilin said she was delighted with the result. “This really puts the North of Ireland on the map,” she explained, “especially as it comes so soon after the Orange Statelet won gold at the European Whataboutery Championships, and the success of the Occupied Six Counties Ladies team in the World Political Football Cup.”

“It’s great that we’re getting a name for ourselves in such sports, as it gives tourists a reason to come here, other than just for our famous sense of humour.”

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