Protestants and Catholics actually ‘get along grand’ claims an undercover investigator, who says community tensions in NI are perpetuated by a team of voice actors who phone into radio stations to make bigoted rants.
“We’ve discovered a group of actors have been redialing the Nolan show and putting on Cullybackey, Glengormley and Castlederg accents – in a bid to keep the show ratings up!” said Alastair Dineen of Ofcom.
“It’s been going on for years – and there is evidence that the BBC and local media are in on it!”
We spoke to one of the actors. “I used to phone the show about 3-4 times a day” he told us. “It was a real cushy number. Just phone in, be angry, and totally disagree with the other person. My favourite character was an irate Belfast taxi man called Big Jim.”
“I didn’t even know was going to be a Prod or a Taig til I got through.” he admitted. “I’d just disagree with the other person’s viewpoint, recite a load of oul sectarian rhetoric, get everyone shouting at the radio, and then wait for the cheque to land!”
However many the voice actors recently quit because they got tired of arguing about the same thing, over and over again.
“Aye we got bored saying the same oul shite to each other.” he told us. “We really just wanted to get along with each other in the end up. We’re all good pals now and meet up like normal people.”
Due to the actor shortages, the remaining Nolan callers must now assume both sides in current radio debates, rapidly changing their accent in an effort to contradict themselves.
This revelation has angered both Sinn Fein and the DUP, who were quick to issue a joint-statement that contradicting themselves was their job – shortly before retracting it and apologising.