Thursday, September 29, 2022
HomeLocal NewsUlster's newspapers in ‘Page 3' bidding war

Ulster’s newspapers in ‘Page 3′ bidding war

Following reports that The Sun newspaper was dropping their long running ‘Page 3’ feature, Ulster’s media outlets have jumped at the opportunity to increase their own sales – by bringing the popular topless column to the NI market.

As news broke that the Rupert Murdoch’s favourite had gone tits-up, a bidding war broke out amongst several NI publications, each determined to bring the tasteful and entirely non-sexist segment to Ulster in a manner befitting their own readership.

The Belfast Telegraph made the first move today, with an audacious plan to combine their lucrative used-car classifieds with the famous topless feature, resulting in a semi-clad stunna on the bonnet of the automotive deal of the day.

The Newsletter were next to bid, pitching a racy concept for a series of smoking hot babes to appear in a variety of provocative poses. However to appeal to their traditionally conservative readership, it is understood that the women’s fully-naked bodies would be printed in all their glory – underneath two layers of clothing, sensible shoes and a warm coat. Beige is rumoured, but their Facebook followers went wild at the tantalising suggestion of charcoal-grey.

Other publications were keen to get on the act. The Tyrone Constitution fired off a cheeky bid to snatch the idea from under the noses of the Belfast big boys, with a daily procession of sexy cows doing full frontal udder shots that left little to the imagination. Not to be outdone, The Mourne Observer outlined their plans, which aimed to present a huge pair of firm, glistening mountains to readers on a daily basis. Meanwhile the Big Issue proposed a Page 3 concept imaginatively titled the ‘Big Tissue’, which included a single fold Kleenex fastened to the page for some mysterious unknown purpose.

However the most unusual reboot of the Page 3 franchise came from the Irish News, who unveiled their idea for a two-column daily-debate feature between Gregory Campbell and Gerry Kelly, on a range of issues affecting society.

Oddly their bid seems to be leading the race, after Rupert Murdoch was overheard saying “Now that’s what I call a pair of tits!”

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