Boris Johnson “shitting his oversized trousers” after Brexit win


Celebrity politician Boris Johnson is said to be absolutely shitting himself after he accidentally persuaded the people of the UK to leave the European Union.

Sources close to the former London mayor have told us that he never really expected victory, and that the whole thing was just a big prank on his old university chum David Cameron.

“Boris has been planning this for years,” says Hubert Chinley-Arseface, who studied with Johnson at Ballbag College, Oxford. “Really it’s all been a big wheeze to get Dave back for the time he had a slash on Boris’s mattress at college, but it seems to have escalated a little.”

Rather than being able to say “ahhhhh, made ye look” to Mr Cameron this morning, Johnson now finds himself being touted as the next Prime Minister, although there are some doubts about his suitability for the role.

“He’s about as qualified to be Prime Minister as my arse,” one seasoned political observer told us. “Can you imagine his cabinet – Gove, IDS, Sammy Wilson, Nigel Farage and Joan Collins?”

“But perhaps we shouldn’t worry. After all, if the pound falls, interest rates soar, and the whole economy goes to shit, Boris has told us he’ll apologise. So that’s OK then.”