Fermanagh District Council “may have nuclear weapons”


There are growing fears in United Nations circles that County Fermanagh may have become the latest superpower to join the exclusive club of ‘nuclear weapon states.’

The concerns arose following the arrest of Ballinamallard man Bernard Ford at a checkpoint on the India/Pakistan border, after he attempted to cross the frontier with a Dunnes bag containing weapons grade plutonium. “We initially stopped him on suspicion on non-payment of the 5 pence bag levy,” we were told by Indian customs official Rajiv Cortina, “but it soon became apparent that he was carrying more than groceries.”

Back in Northern Ireland, the attentions of the PSNI Atomic Weapons Squad are focused on what they have described as a “super villain style underground base” hidden in Fermanagh’s Marble Arch Caves. “There are strong rumours locally that the council is building some kind of ‘Massive Death Yoke’ in the caves” said Detective Inspector Arnold Transit. “We can’t get near the place to search as an evil cartel of local farmers have blocked all the roads with slow moving slurry tankers, but that’s what we reckon is happening.” When our Ulster Fry reporter attempted to infiltrate the caves he was warned off by several burly locals brandishing fishing rods, but was able to catch a glimpse of dismantled tractor parts being slowly transported into the caves using an elaborate monorail system.

While admitting that Fermanagh was one of only two local councils not to have signed the UN Nuclear Non Proliferation Treaty, Council Chairman Fergus Fiesta was adamant that the district’s plans were no threat to neighbouring districts. “Our intentions are entirely peaceful and we will spend the Fermanagh ratepayers money as we see fit,” he claimed, “though we reserve the right to strike against Omagh if they make a bollocks of this new Supercouncil.”

On hearing of the crisis, British Prime Minister David Cameron cut short his holiday in Lanzarote to allow him to take a different holiday in Crete.