Oscar Pistorius’ house arrest to be at flat in Rathcoole


Following his controversial release from prison to serve the remainder of his sentence at home, the Ulster Fry has learned that ‘blade runner’ Oscar Pistorius has been ordered to relocate to a flat in the North Belfast housing estate of Rathcoole.

Whilst the world is horrified at his release and a public campaign to reverse the decision is planned, Pistorius’ laywers are surprisingly in full agreement with public opinion and are now considering registering a late ‘guilty’ plea so the South African can return to prison instead.

However local estate agent John Century, 21, has claimed the runner will enjoy a ‘great life’ in the area. “He’ll get full whack DLA with the state he’s in. A few of my Da’s mates get it and they are basically legless all the time too! He’ll be in his element.”

The palatial one bedroom flat on the 12th floor of one of Rathcoole’s towering housing blocks is being renovated as we speak. “Aye we’re installing a glass panel in the toilet door so ye can easily see who’se on the bog” revealed Century. “Just to avoid him having any more embarrassing wee accidents outside the loo”

The former paralympic champion will be allowed out, but only under strict supervision. “Aye he’s applied for a membership in the Valley Leisure Centre to start training again” revealed area spokesman, Glen Gormley. “He also loves the fact that the Door Store is only around the corner in the Abbey Centre. He’s asked them to shoot him through a couple of prices.”

Meanwhile local UVF commanders are understood to be up in arms at their new neighbours lack of legs. “We’re talking bout a fella who shat der gurlfriend for nathing! Like nat even bout drugs or anything reasonable. If this goes tits up, how are we supposed to knee cap him?”