As Russian diplomats are expelled across Europe in their droves, a UK government source has claimed that they are also to blame for the collapse of power-sharing in Northern Ireland.
“Sure Northern Ireland used to have really warm tropical weather” explained Matt Emulsion from the Department of Home Interiors. “Remember back in the 80s everyone used to wear Bermuda shorts, have moustaches and drive convertible Ferraris to work??”
“Well not anymore!!” he continued. “That was before the Russians started blowing icy cold wind that would founder ye in our direction, forcing half the country to install RHI boilers. It was all part of a KGB plot to get rid of the DUP and Sinn Fein.”
“That’s why everyone here says ‘baltic’ all the time” he explained.
However weather manipulation isn’t the only covert tactic Russia have used to overthrow Stormont.
“They’ve flooded Norn Iron with loads of cheap Vodka” explained MI6 security analyst, Harvey Wallbanger. “Smirnoff and Kulov used to be the only show in town. But now Aldi and Lidl do litre bottles of Kalashnikov for £6.99 – or two for a tenner! No wonder people are voting like sectarian clowns. They’re all snattered!”
“Even Jim Allister makes sense with a lock of that stuff in ye” he added.
We phoned the Kremlin for a statement, however the Russian doll on reception put us through to another Russian doll in accounts, who put us through to another Russian doll in HR, who put us through another Russian doll in payroll.
We eventually gave up and went to Lidl for a bottle of vodka.