Following the announcement that UTV will relocate from Havelock House after almost 60 years, the Ulster Fry has learned that the sale of the iconic building will include classic UTV memorabilia in a bid to attract buyers.
In our world exclusive report we look at some of the amazing items you could inherit by investing in this historic Northern Ireland landmark.
Julian Simmon’s Spray Tanning Booth
First up, the lucky buyer will inherit a TangoTron 2000 machine, complete with 50 gallons of refillable dye. That’s nearly enough to get you as bronzed the great man himself.
Frank Mitchell’s Weather Machine
As reported previously, weather tyrant Mitchell has been controlling the local climate for years to serve his own nefarious ends. He’s leaving the contraption behind as it’s been stuck on the ‘rain’ setting for years, along with more than 54000 photos sent in by weather watchers that Frank has secretly scanned and sold on to Nigerian businessmen.
The UTV Laser Eye Surgery
Ballantine, Mitchell, Simmons – is there anyone in UTV whose life hasn’t been allegedly improved by a session or six of eye surgery? It was all carried out in-house by a totally unqualified office junior armed with a laser pen, sometimes with horrific results, as we exclusively revealed last year…..
Adrian Logan’s hair curling tongs
No one is as naturally curly as ‘Logie’, at least not from the waist up.
Mike Nesbitt’s Ego Gym
Mike’s moved on to bigger things now, making the most successful newsreader to politician transition since David Icke. Whoever buys Havelock will have full accesses to Mike’s ego-building and massaging equipment.
Ivan Little’s self-help book, “How to say Phenomenon”.
Ever since that famous blooper Ivan is asked to say this on a daily basis. He still hasn’t mastered it.
Paul Clarke’s Bondage Room.
The dapper newsreader has a clean cut image which seems to hide a sordid obsession. Appearances can be deceptive though, as when Paul was given this secret room in Havelock the signwriter inadvertently used an O instead of an A, and it actually houses his collection of First Aid equipment.
A magical oil painting of Pamela Ballantine
The secret behind Pam’s eternal vitality has been the subject of much speculation, however the Ulster Fry has learned that a painting of UTV’s first lady lies hidden in the attic of Havelock House, where it ages instead of her. It’s kinda like that one of Dorian Gray, except sexier.