‘Sectarian head-counting’ to be added to NI schools curriculum


With many Northern Ireland Primary Schools closed for yet another election, The Education Authority has confirmed that it intends to rejig the curriculum to reflect the complex nature of democracy here.

“This is the 457th election we’ve had in the last 10 years,” explains education expert, Grover Head-Projector. “We can’t keep losing school days to elections, so we’ll just have a futter with the curriculum to allow the children to take part on the day.”

The mathematics syllabus will now include Sectarian Head-Counting – a numeracy project that will teach kids how democracy works.

“It’s very simple,” says Head-Projector. “We’ll have simple sums like – If I have 200 votes from themuns in a ballot box, but only 183 of usuns, how many forged proxy and postal votes will I need to make sure usuns win?”

English language teaching will also change. “At a pre-school level we’ll amend the alphabet, so it goes ABCDUP etc, while older children can read great works of fiction like the party manifestos and leaflets that get shoved through our letterboxes.”

Even the study of science will get a political twist, with pupils competing to see who can generate the most political bullshit to fertilise a school vegetable patch.

If successful, the pilot scheme will be extended to include secondary schools – where IT replaced with Keyboard Warrior Studies, Geography expanded to include working out where themuns live, and History taught entirely through Orange or Green tinted spectacles.