The Ulster Fry guide to driving like a hallion

Driving in Northern Ireland is a whole handlin’. Apart from learning all that stuff in the Highway Code, there’s a heap of unwritten rules to follow. We’ve compiled a handy list so you know the craic!


1:  Only overtake other cars on blind bends

NI folk are too busy to wait for those ‘over-taking lanes’ and ‘clear stretches of road’ you hear foreigners on about. Instead we just wait for a bend, give her some welly and horse her past any cars rudely toodling along at 80mph, holding us up.

 


2:  Consider someone else overtaking you a personal insult

How dare someone else be in more of a hurry than you, eh?! What was once an innocent commute is now a petty gladiatorial battle of man against man, inside machines… full of red diesel… and bruised egos. Drive like a lunatic to regain your position, and your dignity.


3: Always stop at empty roundabouts

Impress other road users with your impeccable road awareness by ignoring the fact there are clearly no cars coming – to make 100% sure there are definitely no cars coming. Honestly, the people behind you will think you’re wonderful!


4: Don’t bother your hole using indicators

Retain an air of mystery and intrigue by literally not giving any indication about which direction you are headed. Sure you know which way you are going and that’s good enough for us! (Plus you’ll save at least 75p a year on bulbs!)


5: If in a Toyota Aygo or similar small shitewagon – drive well below the speed limit

Sure your wee car can technically reach and surpass the speed limit, but you didn’t buy a washing machine on four wheels for nahhin, did you?  Nope! You bought it to show everyone you’ve got absolutely zero intention of going anywhere in a hurry. You go girl! (or you know, not)


 6: Don’t bother watching for cars trying to let you out at junctions

When exiting a busy junction pay attention to anything other than the road, such as your phone, your finger nails or the sky. Many drivers really enjoy pointlessly flashing their headlights, holding up the cars behind them, keeping themselves late and then giving you the finger, you arsehole.


7: Drive up the hole of person in front of you

Whilst Audi A4’s are recommended for this manoeuvre, any type of car can be used.  Simply position yourself about 10 inches from the car in front, horse the shite out of your engine, then glare at the driver in front whilst waiting for a suitable bend to overtake (See 1).


 8: Park wherever the f**k you want

Over two spaces, half way up the pavement, on a corner, abandoned in the middle of the street or at a petrol pump when you don’t even need fuel and want a 7-piece fry up, a bottle of Lucozade and a 10 minute conversation with an old school mucker. Honestly, no one cares where you park, especially you!

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