The Ulster Fry guide to New Year’s Resolutions


It’s the beginning of another new year and that means everyone is busy making audacious plans to turn their life around before giving up and going back to doing the same old stuff they always did.

The Ulster Fry have compiled a helpful list of tips and pointers to guide you through the next 365 36.5 days…

  1. Giving up drink for a month is not a sacrifice, it’s your liver calling a time out cos you are a greedy hallion. Stop taking all the credit!
  2. If you are set on doing a ‘Dry’ January, please note that dry white wine, dry cider, dry gin or dry martini are not valid options!
  3. Your first day back at work is an acceptable substitute for January 1st to start resolutions.
  4. Too much junk food leftover? Never worry, next Monday will do grand sure!
  5. Actually going to the gym burns far more calories than just feeling guilty about paying for a membership and not going.
  6. That new hobby you want to take up sounds amazing, but have you seen some of the great new TV shows coming out this year? Are you sure?
  7. Making plans to meet up with your pals more is the arch nemesis of getting home and into your cosy pyjamas. Like how good of friends are you, really?
  8. If you were a dick last year, you’ll still be one this year. Some things are not fixable.
  9. Going down to ‘half a sugar’ in your cuppa is not a proper resolution.  It just makes you a dick. (See #8)
  10. Buying fat-free yoghurts and go-ahead snack bars only counts if you actually ate yoghurts and snack bars in the first place. Otherwise you’re a greedy bastard in denial.
  11. If you knuckle down at work, hit all your deadlines and impress the boss this year, that promotion could be yours. Then again your desk is in the corner and it looks like you are working when you are on Facebook. There’s always next year sure.
  12. That new Fitbit you got for Christmas will come in handy when exercising your Buy, Sell, Swap skills around Easter time. Houl out for at least £80 though, because you’re worth it.
  13. Going for more walks is an excellent/feasible resolution. At least until you realise your big coat makes you look fat and you go back inside, start crying, eating go-ahead biscuits and watching TV.
  14. Binoculars or telescopes are not to be used during any pledges to “see more of your family” this year.
  15. Every time you say “New Year, New Me” someone you love gets a good boot up the hole.

Happy New Year – and best of luck!