Holywood was controversially awarded the coveted Golden Hole trophy at a lavish ceremony in the Europa Hotel today, leading to allegations of corruption from defeated rivals Bangor. The town was languishing in third place behind its larger neighbour and shock...
The PSNI had launched a 'major sting operation' targeted against alarm clocks and similar devices. "These items cause untold misery on a daily basis," we were told by Sergeant Tim Peace from the PSNI's Clock Squad. "Hopefully this will go some way...
Arseholes across Northern Ireland are preparing for their traditional "Festival of Shite", an annual event which sees them emerge from their houses at night to let off fireworks randomly in towns and villages. Arseholes have a long and proud history...
Following an angry reaction to news that a recruitment drive would focus on the LGBT community, the PSNI's top brass have relented and confirmed that they would try to hire loads of homophobes to redress the balance. The news had brought the expected objections on...
There were jubilant scenes across Northern Ireland today, after the PSNI unveiled a revolutionary new 'Sunday Driving Curfew', which will force people who don't actually know how to drive properly to do it before noon each Sabbath day. "Now that we're not always knocking...
Two alleged criminals from East Belfast were forced to leave their homes today after police officers knocked on their doors and intimidated them with the law, the Ulster Fry understands. "They just rocked up and told they had to leave!" revealed nosey neighbour,...
In a move described as 'highly unusual' by police, Loyalist Paramilitaries have issued a threat against themselves in East Belfast. "Apparently it's part of a crackdown on anti-social behaviour," said Chief Inspector Keith N Spector. "They seem to have finally...
There has been sporadic rioting in parts of Belfast today after it emerged that an English Primary School has banned sausage rolls from its pupils' lunchboxes. It is understood that people took to the streets after learning that Shirley Manor Primary in...
A Comber man has been airlifted to safety after spending several days stuck in the perpetual traffic jam that is usually called the Newtownards Road. It is understood that 42-year-old Billy Hackamore left his home around 4am on Thursday morning "hoping to...
The Council for the Curriculum, Examination and Assessment (CCEA) has been forced to introduce a new qualification which will help parents and pupils understand the GCSE process. They announced the plan this morning, after thousands of bewildered families received results letters. "Apparently I've...

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