There is widespread anger on social media today after a passenger was forcibly removed from the 238 Express service from Belfast to Newry. In a virtual mirror image of what happened on a United Airlines flight yesterday, the incident occurred after the passenger, named locally as Justin Thyme, took his seat at the Europa terminus.…
Fury as Newtownstewart removes the word Easter from its name
There was outrage in the sleepy County Tyrone town of Newtownstewart today after it emerged that the National Trust had removed the letters of the word Easter from its road-sign. The wanton act of vandalism was spotted by a passing motorist who missed his turn off after thinking he was somewhere called Nwtownwt, and ended up driving…
Hacking Smart TVs “completely pointless in Northern Ireland” admits CIA
Attempts by the US Central Intelligence Agency to monitor fundamentalist groups in Northern Ireland by hacking so-called ‘Smart’ devices such as TVs and Phones have failed miserably, security sources have revealed. “Basically this involves accessing the device’s microphone or camera,” says top US spymaster Felix Lighter, “but to be honest when we tried it on you…
Armagh church outshines Galway drive-thru with ‘Car wAsh Wednesday’
Following the announcement of a drive-thru Ash Wednesday at a church in Galway, an Armagh chapel are going one better with a scheme that will additionally wash and shine your car for charity. ‘Car wAsh Wednesday’ is the brainchild of Father Paul Pitt from St Patricks in Armagh, who says he was planning his event before the drive-thru…
Storm Doris blows Isle of Man north to form land bridge to Scotland
Ferry operators in Larne and Belfast are engaged in crisis meetings this evening after the Isle of Man broke free of its moorings in high winds and drifted north, before becoming wedged between Northern Ireland and Scotland. The problems began this morning after a rope tethering the cat infested island to the bottom of the…
DUP unveil Trump-like travel ban for Northern Ireland
With scandal engulfing the United States following Donald Trump’s travel ban, the DUP today unveiled an updated election manifesto which proposes a similar scheme in Northern Ireland. “The first country we’ll ban will be the Republic of Ireland of course!” revealed Arlene Foster earlier. “We’re not sure how hard the border can become after Brexit,…
Russian agents ‘can’t be arsed hacking Stormont’, admits Moscow
Russian spies considered hacking into the files of political parties here, but decided that it was a complete waste of time. The news came to light after the UK defence secretary accused the Russian government of using ‘cyber-terrorism’ to destabilise western democracies, but a former spy in Moscow told us that there was no need…
Toddlers with guns to patrol U.S. borders, confirms Trump
Following a ban preventing citizens of any Muslim nations that aren’t rich enough to trade weapons or oil with the U.S. from entering the country, Donald Trump has revealed another ambitious new plan to keep American citizens safe. “We’ve lots of great kids who can shoot really fantastically!” said Trump at this morning’s press conference.…
Mayor of Lisburn refuses to meet Trump as ‘Wall’ stand-off grows
The tense stand-off between Donald Trump and Lisburn and Castlereagh Council has reached “crisis levels” according to experts in international diplomacy. President Trump had caused controversy during his election campaign by promising to build a wall around the city, and he has shocked observers by pressing ahead with the plan as soon as he got…
The Ulster Fry movie mashup review of 2016
2016’s been a weird year, so since we’ve had nothing better to do we thought we’d find a weird way to review it. After existing on a diet of sausage rolls, leftover After-Eights and Baileys for the last few days, this is the best we could do…. The 2016th Sense It’s January 2016 and after…