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beyonceclooney

Beyonce ‘absolutely raging’ with George Clooney, admits pal Barra Best

Beyonce ‘absolutely raging’ with George Clooney, admits pal Barra Best

Pop-star Beyonce, who recently got news at the Ulster Hospital that she had two buns in the oven, is reportedly ‘pure snapping’ at George Clooney and his wife Amal for ‘blatantly copying’ them, according to Jay Zed’s best mucker, BBCNI weatherman, Barra Best. Clooney, who lives with his glamorous wife in a semi-detached in Doagh,

ketchup

NI politicians can’t agree where to keep red sauce, reveals report

With the country already in turmoil following the collapse of the NI Executive, Ulster’s political crisis deepened even further today following revelations of widespread disagreement at Stormont about to where to keep the tomato ketchup. “Constantly blaming each other for wasting public money or once being affiliated with terrorism might dominate their press coverage” explained top civil servant,

bigliam

Liam Neeson urged to run for First Minister

Hollywood superstar Liam Neeson has been urged to come home and sort the country out today, after a video appeared online in which he appears to make perfect sense, doesn’t repeatedly blame themuns or show anyone in their pyjamas. Mr Neeson is backing a campaign to replace Northern Ireland’s popular segregated education system, which has successfully taught children how to get along with their

Lettuce-Raid

South Armagh lettuce smuggling operation raided by PSNI

As the world vegetable shortage continues to bite, police on both sides of the border have made arrests after a “significant lettuce cache” was uncovered on a farm outside Forkhill in South Armagh. It is believed that smugglers with links to the Republican movement have shifted tactics in recent weeks, moving away from diesel laundering

trumpscrabo

Trump buys Scrabo Tower ahead of historic NI visit

Following an invite to visit Northern Ireland, the Ulster Fry has learned that Donald Trump is to expand his portfolio of eponymously named real-estate landmarks by buying Scrabo Tower in Co Down. “We’ve accepted an offer from Mr Trump and it’s worth a clean fortune!” revealed former owner, Newton Ards.  “He asked me how much I was looking so I just pulled

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How to deal with election canvassers

In most democracies people have elections every four or five years, but in Northern Ireland they’ve become an annual event. Needless to say, this is a very dangerous time for your average citizen, as at any point the doorbell might ring and there could be some ganch standing outside demanding to know how you intend

toddlerguns

Toddlers with guns to patrol U.S. borders, confirms Trump

Following a ban preventing citizens of any Muslim nations that aren’t rich enough to trade weapons or oil with the U.S. from entering the country, Donald Trump has revealed another ambitious new plan to keep American citizens safe. “We’ve lots of great kids who can shoot really fantastically!” said Trump at this morning’s press conference.

howtospotplain

21 ways to spot a Norn Iron person

One of the frustrations of being from Northern Ireland is being mistaken for English or Scottish people when we’re away foreign. Sure we speak roughly the same language, but we’re far better looking, funnier and more attractive to the opposite sex, It’s almost insulting that we need to make this guide to be honest… but just

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