Driving in Northern Ireland is a whole handlin’. Apart from learning all that stuff in the Highway Code, there’s a heap of unwritten rules to follow. We’ve compiled a handy list so you know the craic! 1: Only overtake other cars on blind bends NI folk are too busy to wait for those ‘over-taking lanes’ and ‘clear stretches of road’ you hear…
‘Kodi’ most popular new baby name, reveals poll
Thousands of parents across the UK and Ireland are naming their newborns after a controversial online movie streaming app, it has emerged. “‘Kodi’ is just such a gorgeous name!” revealed new mother Anne Droid from Belfast. “And cos it suits both sexes we didn’t care less whether we had a boy or a girl!” “Although thank God wasn’t a boy!” she…
Family fun days “ruined by children”, reveal scientists
Scientists at the University of East Strabane have published new research which claims that the words family and fun should never be used in the same sentence. “We’ve been studying the ‘Family day out’ for several years now,” says Professor Brooke Shelf, “and our research has discovered that they usually involve weeks of careful planning,…
“Will you phone my phone?” voted NI’s most popular relationship question
A new report by the Ballymoney Institute of Anthropology has revealed that asking your partner to ‘phone my phone’ is the most common form of inter-couple communication in modern-day Northern Ireland. “About 90% of our daily interaction revolves around me using my mobile to find hers” admitted weary Craigavon husband, Hugh Awey. “It’s mental, because I don’t bother my hole calling her when I’m…
NI residents shocked to be living in Northern Ireland, claims report
People across NI were “absolutely horrified” today to discover that they do not live in Florida, according to a new report. The revelation came to light earlier after tiny water particles gathered high in the atmosphere above the Province, eventually falling in small droplets known as ‘rain’. The disaster struck after almost two weeks of almost uninterrupted sunshine,…
All food brands to have a ‘salted caramel’ flavour by 2018
There was widespread excitement amongst people who eat stuff today, as news emerged that global food manufacturers are busy working on new ‘salted caramel’ and ‘peanut butter’ versions of all their products. “Making stuff salty and sweet is the hottest new trend in food!” explained leading food critic, Ella Salmon. “My kids won’t touch anything now unless it comes in these…
‘Farmer’s Tanning Salon’ opens in County Tyrone
A County Tyrone business woman has opened what is thought to be the world’s first tanning salon aimed at people working in the agricultural industry. “It’s a crowded market out there but I think I’ve spotted a gap,” says 24 year old Amanda Burns. “Farmers here are famous for their unique tans – lower arms and…
‘Thon’s quare drying weather’, reveal mums
Local mums lost the run of themselves today as news emerged that it was perfect weather for drying stuff. “I was so lured after I seen the weather forecast this morning!” Tyrone mammy Sian Mills told us. “I’d three loads of washing done by lunchtime, but it dried that quick I put them all on for a second cycle there, just to make sure.” Her…
5K to Couch: The Ulster Fry guide to getting out of shape
It’s the Belfast marathon tomorrow, and lots of folk have been preparing for the fun runs and relays that go along with the big event itself. As a result everyone’s Facebook timeline is full of normally lazy hallions angling after sponsorship for waddling a few miles, but that leaves a big question – how will they get…
Rory McIlroy to spend over £43 on lavish wedding
Star golf player Rory McIlroy is to blow an astonishing £43.60 on an extravagant wedding at a castle in Co. Mayo. The superstar, who is marrying his fiancée, has told close pals that he intends to “pull out all the stops” for the ceremony. The Ulster Fry understands that the pair spent £16 in the…