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ketchup

NI politicians can’t agree where to keep red sauce, reveals report

NI politicians can’t agree where to keep red sauce, reveals report

With the country already in turmoil following the collapse of the NI Executive, Ulster’s political crisis deepened even further today following revelations of widespread disagreement at Stormont about to where to keep the tomato ketchup. “Constantly blaming each other for wasting public money or once being affiliated with terrorism might dominate their press coverage” explained top civil servant,

bigliam

Liam Neeson urged to run for First Minister

Hollywood superstar Liam Neeson has been urged to come home and sort the country out today, after a video appeared online in which he appears to make perfect sense, doesn’t repeatedly blame themuns or show anyone in their pyjamas. Mr Neeson is backing a campaign to replace Northern Ireland’s popular segregated education system, which has successfully taught children how to get along with their

Lettuce-Raid

South Armagh lettuce smuggling operation raided by PSNI

As the world vegetable shortage continues to bite, police on both sides of the border have made arrests after a “significant lettuce cache” was uncovered on a farm outside Forkhill in South Armagh. It is believed that smugglers with links to the Republican movement have shifted tactics in recent weeks, moving away from diesel laundering

trumpscrabo

Trump buys Scrabo Tower ahead of historic NI visit

Following an invite to visit Northern Ireland, the Ulster Fry has learned that Donald Trump is to expand his portfolio of eponymously named real-estate landmarks by buying Scrabo Tower in Co Down. “We’ve accepted an offer from Mr Trump and it’s worth a clean fortune!” revealed former owner, Newton Ards.  “He asked me how much I was looking so I just pulled

overtake

Buckmad overtaker to be two cars ahead at next roundabout, confirm Road Service

Northern Ireland Road Service have confirmed that the ejjit who nearly killed you, himself and everyone on an oncoming bus whilst overtaking you at around 127mph – will be about twenty three feet ahead of you at the next roundabout. The news has been gleefully welcomed by everyone, except the driver himself, who is now

angrymob

“We’re more shit than you”, Craigavon tells Strabane

Residents in crap towns and villages across Northern Ireland have reacted angrily to a report that labelled Strabane as being full of “skint, vodka swilling gamblers.” “How come they get all the credit,” was the bemused reaction of Craigavon native Rhonda Bout when we told her the news. “Craigavon is way more shit than Strabane,

copjeep

Workplace violence erupts in row over who had quietest Christmas

Reports are coming in that heated workplace debates over who had the quietest Christmas are turning violent. “Up and down the country grey faced office workers are trying to out do each other about who had the most boring time off,” says the commander of the PSNI Riot Squad Walter Cannon. “These things start innocently

holewood

Fury as vandals change Holywood town sign

People in Holywood are described as “quite cross” today after vandals doctored one of the town’s iconic name signs to read “Holewood”. The pranksters appear to have been inspired by events in California, after the famous sign on the Hollywood hills was changed to Hollyweed on New Year’s Eve. Police in the North Down town say that

brownsauce_bap

Naked brown sauce lady “not available in a bap”, insist Castlecourt

Following sensational scenes at Castlecourt today in which a naked woman was smothered in HP sauce, the shopping centre have denied rumours that she’ll soon be available in a bap. “Our protest was supposed to put people off meat!” said a disgruntled Sonya Vanilla-Latte from PETA. “So whilst the lady herself was indeed lovely, we want to dispel these rumours that she’s about

tubesoff

Northern Ireland hit with massive Tube strike

Despite not even having an underground rail network, Northern Ireland has been hit with a country-wide tube strike today as arseholes across the Province skived off work and angrily demanded a pay rise. “Unlike our London comrades, who sadly cancelled their own strike today, we can’t stop NI’s transport system in its tracks by refusing to work” said Ed Melter from the NI Union of

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