There was widespread panic across Belfast this morning after the City Council admitted they’d ran out of actual pallets to stack bonfire pallets onto, in order to transport them across the city. “Literally all the pallets in Northern Ireland are now earmarked for burning” admitted council spokesperson, Enda Brownbin. “We had a rake set aside in the back parking lot for shifting the rest,…
Derry bomb scare woman “headed to sort out Stormont talks”, reveal PSNI
The woman at the centre of last night’s bomb scare drama in Derry was on her way to give politicians at Stormont a good boot up the hole, claim PSNI sources. “She told us she’d had enough of all their dicking about” said officer Len Drover from the PSNI’s Hoax Bomb Scare Division. “She had…
Police promise crackdown on illegal culchie “jives”
The PSNI has set up a special unit to deal with an upsurge in huge illegal dance events in rural areas across Northern Ireland, The Ulster Fry has learned. The Division Against Non-legal Culchie Events (known as the D.A.N.C.E squad) was established after 23 country music revellers were taken to hospital with 1st degree foot blisters and dizziness…
“Lost city of Atlantis” discovered near Lough Neagh, claims archaeologist
An Armagh archaeologist has stunned experts by claiming to have found a lost civilisation close to the shoreline of Lough Neagh. Lorcan Spade, Professor of Old Things at the University of Tandragee, told us that the recent spell of hot weather had left the lough “like a dry sheugh,” allowing him access to a previously unexplored landscape. “I began…
Massive protests in Belfast as bin levels reach crisis point
The people of Belfast have taken to the streets in protest at what has been described as an “unprecedented shortage” of bins. It is understood that crowds began to gather around City Hall after council officials revealed that their new policy of banning food waste from black bins had led to a “surge in demand”…
Controversial ‘English Language Act’ proposed for Northern Ireland
The debate around Northern Ireland’s linguistic culture took an unusual twist today with the launch of a campaign for an English Language Act specifically tailored for the Province. The move comes from the Belfast Area Royal Society for English Speakers, a new organisation dedicated to promoting the language across Northern Ireland. “The English language is now…
NHS Hackers “unable to get past Northern Ireland doctors receptionists”
The hackers behind the cyber attacks on UK hospitals gave up on targeting the NHS in Northern Ireland after discovering they’d have to wait months to get access to computer systems. “We originally planned to include your hospitals,” international cyber-terrorist Dell Tower explained to our security correspondent, “But we were told we’d have to hack…
63% of NI men currently shirtless, say police
As Ulster enjoys an almost unprecedented fifth day of sunshine, police have confirmed that two-thirds of NI men are currently wearing nothing above the waist bar a watch they bought in Santa Ponsa one year. “Our officer’s body-cams utilise high-tech imaging software” explained Bobby Peeler from the PSNI’s Quare n Powerful Yokes Division. “aside from facial recognition of known criminals, we can also detect the outline…
Lisburn City Council votes to ban Monster Munch in schools
Councillors in Lisburn and Castlereagh have sensationally voted to support a ban on the sale of the popular corn based snack Monster Munch in schools across the district. Downshire East DUP representative Carson Robinson had proposed the controversial motion, arguing that the crisps are “symbolic of either evolution or Satanism, probably both.” “The name of…
Arlene Foster injured by elephant during DUP trip to the circus
DUP leader Arlene Foster suffered minor injuries this afternoon in what has been described as a “freak accident” during a visit to the circus with party colleagues. It is understood that Mrs Foster had taken MPs Jeffrey Donaldson and Gavin Robinson on the trip in a bid to cheer them up after last week’s election. “Wee…