After leaking info about high profile athletes Chris Froome, Bradley Wiggins & Mo Farah in recent days, Russian hackers have now released data showing what substances Irish athletes were taking during the Rio Olympics. “Some of the stuff the Irish team were on would shock you!” revealed sports analyst Anita Trainer. “We found dangerously high levels of wheaten bread,…
Relief as Olympics finally end
Everyone is looking forward to settling down and watching the normal shite that television channels spew out, after two solid weeks of watching annoyingly talented, healthy young people doing sport. According to the University of Craigavon, Olympic fatigue began to set in at the end of week one after exhausted viewers sat up to watch…
Surge in demand for dancing horses after GB Olympic win
Animal welfare charities are fearful that small children everywhere will be demanding dancing horses this Christmas, following Great Britain’s Gold Medal in yesterday’s dressage. Charlotte Dujardin, which is French for something to do with gardens, scooped top spot whilst sitting on her horse Valegro, which doesn’t mean anything but might be something to do with…
Men still saying ‘we’ and ‘us’ when discussing millionaire footballers, laugh FIFA
Men are continually taking credit for sports related stuff despite having had no involvement in the actual events, the Ulster Fry has learned. “In pubs across the country right now, men, most of whom have never even travelled to their team’s home ground, are banging on like they own fucking shares,” revealed FIFA spokeswoman, Charity Shiels. “Supporting on your team is…
Marching to become an official Olympic sport in 2020
Following the disappointment of Paddy Barnes getting his pan knocked in today, Northern Ireland’s gold medal hopes received a well needed boost with the announcement that Marching will become an official sport at the 2020 games in Tokyo. “The IOC were really impressed by our presentation” said LOL spokesman, Jim White-Walker. “Especially when we showed them all the old paintings of King…
Troubled Olympic Village “inspired by Tyrone”, admit Rio organisers
With grim stories about the shoddy facilities at the Olympic Village in Rio still emerging just hours before the opening ceremony, the IOC have admitted it’s design is based on County Tyrone. “When we were asked to build a ‘village’ we panicked” admitted Brazilian architect, Flavio Flavela. “so we Googled it and the top suggestions were Fivemiletown, Glebe, Augher and Pomeroy. So we’ve…
Boxing to be renamed Baxin’ after Frampton win
Following Carl Frampton’s stunning win in the early hours of this morning, the World Boxing Association has announced that it’s to rename its title in honour of the North Belfast legend. Frampton has been collecting world titles like a prize fighting Pokemon Go player, becoming the first Northern Irish champ to hold titles at different weights. However…
Russia to stage its own “off your tits” Olympics
With it looking increasingly likely that his country’s entire team may be banned from competing at the Rio Olympics due to systematic misuse of banned substances, Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced that Moscow will host its own event – specifically for people off their tits. The Ulster Fry met with the dictatorial leader at his…
Irish Euro stragglers set up new colony in France
Following their double exit from Euro 2016, it has just emerged that dozens of stranded Republic and Northern Ireland fans, most of whom ran out of money weeks ago, have setup a new colony in the south of France. “I haven’t a bean to my name” lamented Derry man, Jean-Pierre McLaughlin. “Even if I could afford a flight…
Farage quits UKIP to apply for England job
Nigel Farage’s decision to quit as leader of UKIP is a ploy to allow him to take over as manager of the English national football team, the Ulster Fry can reveal. Sources close to the rubber faced celebrity bigot say that he’s always had his eye on England, and that he only included the rest of…