Author Archives: The Ulster Fry

dieselcop

EXCLUSIVE: Fast & Furious 9 to be filmed in Northern Ireland

EXCLUSIVE: Fast & Furious 9 to be filmed in Northern Ireland

With their eighth globetrotting instalment currently breaking box office records, Vin Diesel has confirmed that the next Fast & Furious movie will be shot in Northern Ireland. “Toretto’s crew is going back-to-basics!” revealed Diesel. “Their cash is running out, so they’ll be relying on their wits, instincts and ability to spot a clinker at the mid-Ulster auctions to get back on the road!” His co-star Michelle Rodriguez

freeman2

Morgan Freeman’s God to sort out NI’s Easter opening hours

Hollywood legend Morgan Freeman, currently filming in Belfast, has sensationally reprised his role as God after discovering that he will won’t be able to skull a few pints tomorrow night after work. “Dafaq lik?” he moaned to crew after learning of the archaic NI Easter licensing laws. “Are yousuns tikkin the han’ outta me or wha?”

Europabus

Fury as passenger is ejected from Translink Goldliner service.

There is widespread anger on social media today after a passenger was forcibly removed from the 238 Express service from Belfast to Newry. In a virtual mirror image of what happened on a United Airlines flight yesterday, the incident occurred after the passenger, named locally as Justin Thyme, took his seat at the Europa terminus.

KendallJenner

Kendall Jenner to head up the Parades Commission

Centuries of community tensions over parading in NI may soon be a thing of the past, after US celebrity Kendall Jenner revealed she’ll be handing out ice cold cans of Pepsi over the Twelfth this year. “I’m heading to Northern Ireland this summer” she revealed on Twitter earlier today. “to help bring about peace and stuff!” Seemingly excited by the prospect of dishing

Stormont

Normality breaks out as people gradually realise there are still no MLAs in charge

With Stormont suspended and political leaders busy hanging round TV studios issuing ‘grim warnings’ about the talks, people around Northern Ireland are beginning to behave like the teacher has left the classroom. The reality of having no MLAs to make a balls of things finally sank in after residents woke up to letters telling them they’d

lambert

Cheap fag runs “top priority” in Brexit negotiations, confirms May

Prime Minister Theresa May today reassured UK travellers that their ability to sneakily bring home umpteen cartons of cheap fags that taste like your arsehole will be her top priority during Brexit negotiations. “We may have voted to leave the EU but we’re not giving up our way of life!” she told press at Downing Street this morning. “A carton of Spanish Lambert’s

deniro1

Nine surprising cameos in the Paisley & McGuinness movie

Following the release of the official trailer for The Journey, which tells of the unlikely friendship between Ian Paisley and Martin McGuinness, The Ulster Fry has had an exclusive sneak-peak at the film, in which several famous Hollywood movie stars have made secret cameo appearances. We look at some of the best… Owen Wilson & Vince Vaughn as

Barber

Innovative Belfast barber shop to only offer haircuts

The world of male grooming was turned on it’s head today, as one Belfast barber shop unveiled an audacious plan to simply cut men’s hair without trying to pretend they are prize fighters, 1920’s dockers, lumberjacks or vikings. Nick’s Barbers on Queen Street shocked business experts by insisting that they won’t be selling craft beer at the

160coin

Royal Mint launch separate ‘Pound’ coin for Northern Ireland

The Head Spokesminter of the Royal Mint announced today that the newly-launched £1 coin, much lauded for its improvements in security, would not be legal tender in Northern Ireland until an Executive is formed. “The launch of the new coin was a momentous day for us,” said Bob Pounder, “but we couldn’t risk damaging its reputation in

motherdays

People forced to visit their mum following Facebook login issue

Chaos unfolded across the globe today after a Facebook glitch left millions of users unable to login, forcing them to actually visit the person who once gave birth to them. “I couldn’t get signed in to my app all day!” moaned Ted Melter from Bangor. “So I had to actually visit my Ma and tell her I loved her. Like in person, to her actual face… instead of telling hundreds of

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