Author Archives: The Ulster Fry

Twelfth crisis: “No pallets left to actually deliver pallets”, warns City Council

Twelfth crisis: “No pallets left to actually deliver pallets”, warns City Council

There was widespread panic across Belfast this morning after the City Council admitted they’d ran out of actual pallets to stack bonfire pallets onto, in order to transport them across the city. “Literally all the pallets in Northern Ireland are now earmarked for burning” admitted council spokesperson, Enda Brownbin. “We had a rake set aside in the back parking lot for shifting the rest,

Green Day cancelled by Parades Commission following mixup

Tonight’s Green Day gig in Belfast has been dramatically cancelled by the Parades Commission after being mistaken for a Republican rally, it has emerged. “We read that thousands of people were gathering in Ormeau Park tonight for some big ‘Green Day’ celebration” explained Marge Banner from the NI Parades Commission. “But when we couldn’t find it on our system we freaked out and

The Ulster Fry guide to driving like a hallion

Driving in Northern Ireland is a whole handlin’. Apart from learning all that stuff in the Highway Code, there’s a heap of unwritten rules to follow. We’ve compiled a handy list so you know the craic! 1:  Only overtake other cars on blind bends NI folk are too busy to wait for those ‘over-taking lanes’ and ‘clear stretches of road’ you hear

‘Kodi’ most popular new baby name, reveals poll

Thousands of parents across the UK and Ireland are naming their newborns after a controversial online movie streaming app, it has emerged. “‘Kodi’ is just such a gorgeous name!” revealed new mother Anne Droid from Belfast. “And cos it suits both sexes we didn’t care less whether we had a boy or a girl!” “Although thank God wasn’t a boy!” she

“The DUP ate my hamster”, claims family man

The DUP’s image in the UK was further tarnished today, after party leader Arlene Foster was accused of eating a family’s pet hamster amid ongoing talks with the Conservative Party. “She landed to our house the other day slabbering that she was ‘top dog now’ and demanding that us ‘peasants’ make her tea and biscuits!” alleged 38 year old Peterborough

10 things you never knew about Northern Ireland: a guide for English folk

With all the political shenanigans at Westminster, loads of English people are suddenly interested in the goings-on in Northern Ireland. We’ve put together this handy primer to help them understand this complex place…. 1. Northern Ireland has a population of 18 million, divided into Protestants, Catholics and Others. Protestants want Northern Ireland to be part of Scotland

“Gosh, the DUP seem horrible!”, gasp people who voted for poverty, corruption & NHS cuts

Tory supporters across the UK are ‘extremely concerned’ it has emerged, after Googling the Democratic Unionist Party and discovering they are even more hateful than the people they voted for. “I’m absolutely disgusted.”revealed 31 year old Tory fan, Branston Pickle. “I mean, blocking a woman’s right to have an abortion is terrible. It’s only fair you allow children to be actually born before

Oasis brothers Liam & Noel set for Short Strand showdown

Feuding Oasis brothers Liam and Noel Gallagher are so determined to continue their long-running disagreement that they have moved to Belfast and joined different sides of the political divide, the Ulster Fry has learned. “Noel has just bought a house in the Shankill Estate” revealed estate agent, Norton Pinprick “He’s also applied to join the Orange Order and pledged up

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