Author Archives: The Ulster Fry

bigliam

Liam Neeson urged to run for First Minister

Liam Neeson urged to run for First Minister

Hollywood superstar Liam Neeson has been urged to come home and sort the country out today, after a video appeared online in which he appears to make perfect sense, doesn’t repeatedly blame themuns or show anyone in their pyjamas. Mr Neeson is backing a campaign to replace Northern Ireland’s popular segregated education system, which has successfully taught children how to get along with their

trumpscrabo

Trump buys Scrabo Tower ahead of historic NI visit

Following an invite to visit Northern Ireland, the Ulster Fry has learned that Donald Trump is to expand his portfolio of eponymously named real-estate landmarks by buying Scrabo Tower in Co Down. “We’ve accepted an offer from Mr Trump and it’s worth a clean fortune!” revealed former owner, Newton Ards.  “He asked me how much I was looking so I just pulled

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How to deal with election canvassers

In most democracies people have elections every four or five years, but in Northern Ireland they’ve become an annual event. Needless to say, this is a very dangerous time for your average citizen, as at any point the doorbell might ring and there could be some ganch standing outside demanding to know how you intend

toddlerguns

Toddlers with guns to patrol U.S. borders, confirms Trump

Following a ban preventing citizens of any Muslim nations that aren’t rich enough to trade weapons or oil with the U.S. from entering the country, Donald Trump has revealed another ambitious new plan to keep American citizens safe. “We’ve lots of great kids who can shoot really fantastically!” said Trump at this morning’s press conference.

howtospotplain

21 ways to spot a Norn Iron person

One of the frustrations of being from Northern Ireland is being mistaken for English or Scottish people when we’re away foreign. Sure we speak roughly the same language, but we’re far better looking, funnier and more attractive to the opposite sex, It’s almost insulting that we need to make this guide to be honest… but just

Givan-Unicorn

Paul Givan to fund new Unicorn Riding School in Hillsborough

Following the news that outgoing Communities Minister Paul Givan allocated £25,000 of public funding to an Ulster Scots Society that didn’t even exist, The Ulster Fry has learned that several other imaginary local projects are now set to be realised at the tax payers expense. “Wasting the public’s money on things they don’t really believe

dissidents

Dissidents launch election campaign in North Belfast

Dissident Republicans unveiled their vision for the future of Northern Ireland last night, with the attempted murder of a police officer on the Crumlin Road. Welcoming the news, prominent North Belfast Dissident Liam Excuse told reporters that the attack demonstrated that his movement offered a positive alternative to the democratic process. “Our politicians tell us that

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