Business articles


Belfast to have “five more quarters” by 2025, say Council

Belfast to have “five more quarters” by 2025, say Council

With today’s announcement of a £27m rejuvenation of the area surrounding University of Ulster’s Belfast campus, the city council have revealed an ambitious new plan to further “quarterise” the city into trendy hotspots with hipster-sounding names. Belfast is famously home to 5 quarters already of course, the nearest and most popular of which will be dramatically impacted by the new plans.


Pokemon Go overtakes Tinder as best app to pickup monsters near you

Online dating app Tinder dropped £500m on the global stock markets yesterday following news that it’s no longer the best way to find monsters near you. Nintendo’s Pokemon Go game has been a worldwide phenomenon since it’s release, with revolutionary technology that enables people to find horrible looking creatures in their area. However the Japanese gaming giant has been served with


‘Marchopoly’ board game launched for Twelfth parades

Top US toy manufacturer Hasbro has revealed a new version of its iconic board game Monopoly where all the action takes place in Northern Ireland during the marching season. Marchopoly will see players make their way round a board packed with some of our most contentious locations, as they attempt to gather more grant funding and territory


Craic no longer Ninety after European exits.

Shares on the Craic Exchange have taken a tumble as the combination of the EU Referendum and Northern Ireland and the Republic’s exits from Euro 2016 took its toll on the markets. The FTSE Craic Index was buoyant on Thursday, shattering the previous record of 90 to reach over 110 at close of trading. “Aye, sure


‘Get blocked to boost economy’, says NI university

Drunk people across Northern Ireland are celebrating this evening after the University of Ulster revealed that getting wrote aff during Euro 2016 will not only be good craic, it will also provide a massive boost to the economy. Experts at the university have apparently done some kind of calculation, and have worked out that both Irish


Everyone allowed to work outside today, announce bosses

Northern Ireland’s bosses have finally agreed that the weather’s too good to be indoors and we can all take our work outside today. “It’s gone way beyond a quare hate and is approaching clean swelterin’,” said Will Close, from the Confederation of Bullshit Industries. “Everyone is sick of looking out the window at people going full ‘taps


World first for NI as local boss actually sticks job up his hole

After decades of taunting from people who angrily quit work, one local boss has finally made good on an age-old parting suggestion and literally stuck his job up his arse. “It started like any other shift” explained Chuck McNugget from Belfast Fried Chicken. “Kayleigh was on the tills and I was hovering around doing everyones head in for doing nothing – even though there


Edwin Poots unveils ‘sexy’ new restaurant franchise for Norn Iron

DUP stalwart Edwin Poots stunned the local business community today by announcing a ‘sexy’ new restaurant franchise for a modern day Northern Ireland. Eponymously entitled “Pooters”, the fast food chain intends to set pulses racing amongst God fearin’ Ulster voters, thanks to a bevy of over-adequately clad waitresses, who will serve food whilst provocatively parading around in ankle


Irish Mail on Sunday declared morally bankrupt

The worlds of Irish business and journalism were left reeling this morning, after a normally well regarded, decent and objective *cough* newspaper, The Irish version of the Daily Mail, was declared morally bankrupt by readers. “It’s true” said Editor Dishonour O’Donnell, “I am just out of a meeting with our accounts department and we literally haven’t got a single ounce