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Northern Ireland to get its own currency as value of pound plummets

Northern Ireland to get its own currency as value of pound plummets

The people of Northern Ireland will soon be spending ‘Yokes’ after the Stormont administration moved with unusual speed to calm fears over the dramatic fall in the value of the pound. “It’s pretty clear the pound is f**ked,” said First Minister Arlene Foster. “I went out today to get 20 Rothmans and a tin of

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Facebook’s new narcissistic newsfeed “all about you”, says Zuckerberg

Millions of people took selfies of themselves looking ‘delighted’ today after Facebook announced that their newsfeed system would be changing to show more stories about everyone’s new favourite topic – themselves. “Our users have complained that our current newsfeed shows too much stuff that they’re not interested in” said Mark Zuckerberg today at the launch “such as posts from other people, photos they’re not in and things they

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Concentrix wins lucrative North Korean Complaints Department contract

Following months of denying families their working and family tax credits through ruthless handling of a government contract, US firm Concentrix have been hired by rogue nation, North Korea, to handle complaint calls from it’s millions of disgruntled citizens. “Kim Jong Un is really impressed with our Never Say Aye attitude”  revealed Concentrix spokesman, Nadda Chance. “We may have lost the HRMC

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Belfast to have “five more quarters” by 2025, say Council

With today’s announcement of a £27m rejuvenation of the area surrounding University of Ulster’s Belfast campus, the city council have revealed an ambitious new plan to further “quarterise” the city into trendy hotspots with hipster-sounding names. Belfast is famously home to 5 quarters already of course, the nearest and most popular of which will be dramatically impacted by the new plans.

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Pokemon Go overtakes Tinder as best app to pickup monsters near you

Online dating app Tinder dropped £500m on the global stock markets yesterday following news that it’s no longer the best way to find monsters near you. Nintendo’s Pokemon Go game has been a worldwide phenomenon since it’s release, with revolutionary technology that enables people to find horrible looking creatures in their area. However the Japanese gaming giant has been served with

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‘Marchopoly’ board game launched for Twelfth parades

Top US toy manufacturer Hasbro has revealed a new version of its iconic board game Monopoly where all the action takes place in Northern Ireland during the marching season. Marchopoly will see players make their way round a board packed with some of our most contentious locations, as they attempt to gather more grant funding and territory

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Everyone allowed to work outside today, announce bosses

Northern Ireland’s bosses have finally agreed that the weather’s too good to be indoors and we can all take our work outside today. “It’s gone way beyond a quare hate and is approaching clean swelterin’,” said Will Close, from the Confederation of Bullshit Industries. “Everyone is sick of looking out the window at people going full ‘taps

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