Sport

The world football authorities have admitted that their massively complicated second place play-off formula was specifically designed to ensure that the two teams in Ireland wouldn't meet at any point. "It was OK when Northern Ireland was vaguely shit," says Hans...

Patriotic local golf fans got an unexpected new hero at this week's Irish Open, after historians discovered that US golfer Graeme McDowell's ancestors are actually from the County Antrim town of Portrush. "Well gee-whiz that's fantastic!" McDowell told local press. "My grandpappy used to tell us...

Boxing fans are licking their remote controls in anticipation today, after two of Northern Ireland's most irritating radio personalities, Stephen “Troller” Nolan and Hugo “Strabane Slammer” Duncan, agreed to bax the jaws aff each other for Children in Need. The...

After years of turning up at star-studded events carrying massive wads of cash, Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather are finally set to open current accounts following their half-billion dollar bout, the Ulster Fry has learned. "I'm sick of keeping all my...

Thousands of football fans across Northern Ireland find themselves in a severe quandary today as their two favourite sides prepare to meet in a Champions League qualifying match. "There's a real cross-over in the fan-base of both clubs," we were told by...

Employers are bracing themselves amid concerns that a mystery virus may sweep through much of Northern Ireland’s male workforce tonight. According to experts the illness, which has been dubbed ‘Greek Influenza’, could hit Belfast at approximately 9.30pm this evening, provided Northern Ireland don't make a ballix of...

The stalemate in Northern Irish politics could sensationally be broken by midnight tonight, after an audacious plan emerged to recruit new MLAs on footballs transfer market. "Arlene and Michelle have been disastrous for us upfront." revealed Stormont spokesman, George Worst....

There was anger amongst local homophobes today, as thousands of men dressed in skin-tight leather outfits descended upon Portrush to shove motorised contraptions between their arse cheeks and chase each other around the town. "We cannot stand idly by whilst our beautiful north coast is overrun by leather-clad men...

The world of sport and politics have sensationally combined after the Tyrone GAA manager Mickey Harte issued a statement of loyalty to the Queen on behalf of his county. The news comes after Tyrone player Tiernan McCann was handed an...

Ahead of his much anticipated fight tonight, a survey carried out on the streets of Belfast today has revealed that almost three quarters local women think they'd give Carl Frampton 'a good hiding'. "Sure he's only a wee squirt" laughed Amanda Box today on Royal Avenue. "My ex was...