Sport

With both Northern Ireland and the Republic exiting the World Cup at the final hurdle, the IFA and FAI have finally got together and agreed to hold their own "All Ireland" tournament next year. It is understood that the associations...

The world football authorities have admitted that their massively complicated second place play-off formula was specifically designed to ensure that the two teams in Ireland wouldn't meet at any point. "It was OK when Northern Ireland was vaguely shit," says Hans...

Boxing fans are licking their remote controls in anticipation today, after two of Northern Ireland's most irritating radio personalities, Stephen “Troller” Nolan and Hugo “Strabane Slammer” Duncan, agreed to bax the jaws aff each other for Children in Need. The...

Patriotic local golf fans got an unexpected new hero at this week's Irish Open, after historians discovered that US golfer Graeme McDowell's ancestors are actually from the County Antrim town of Portrush. "Well gee-whiz that's fantastic!" McDowell told local press. "My grandpappy used to tell us...

A group of local men who went to the pub to watch the Champions League final are set for an extremely awkward taxi journey home it has emerged, after a deranged taxi driver revealed he has 'zero interest' in...

As always, the first weekend in May will see Belfast grind to halt as the city plays host to the annual Buckfast Marathon. The much-famed piss up will be held over a three-day period and is regarded by many competitive...

Thousands of football fans across Northern Ireland find themselves in a severe quandary today as their two favourite sides prepare to meet in a Champions League qualifying match. "There's a real cross-over in the fan-base of both clubs," we were told by...

Employers are bracing themselves amid concerns that a mystery virus may sweep through much of Northern Ireland’s male workforce tonight. According to experts the illness, which has been dubbed ‘Greek Influenza’, could hit Belfast at approximately 9.30pm this evening, provided Northern Ireland don't make a ballix of...

After years of turning up at star-studded events carrying massive wads of cash, Conor McGregor and Floyd Mayweather are finally set to open current accounts following their half-billion dollar bout, the Ulster Fry has learned. "I'm sick of keeping all my...

There was anger amongst local homophobes today, as thousands of men dressed in skin-tight leather outfits descended upon Portrush to shove motorised contraptions between their arse cheeks and chase each other around the town. "We cannot stand idly by whilst our beautiful north coast is overrun by leather-clad men...