Politics articles

Fermanagh South Tyrone sets new election record with 187% turnout

Fermanagh South Tyrone sets new election record with 187% turnout

Political pundits have been left speechless after the turnout in the Fermanagh South Tyrone constituency reached a staggering 186.8%, a full three hours before polling actually closes. “We’ve never seen anything like it,” said one expert. “Who says people aren’t interested in politics? These numbers don’t lie.” Our Fermanagh correspondent Liz Bellaw interviewed several voters

‘Sectarian head-counting’ to be added to NI schools curriculum

As Northern Ireland Primary Schools prepare to close for yet another election, The Education Authority has confirmed that it intends to rejig the curriculum to reflect the complex nature of democracy here. “This is the 457th election we’ve had in the last 10 years,” explains education expert, Grover Head-Projector. “We can’t keep losing school days

Northern Irish politics ‘a major cause of heart disease’ say doctors

Taking even a passing interest in the political debates in Northern Ireland can have a dramatic effect on your health, according to a new study produced by clinicians at the Belfast Hospital for Sensible People. According to the research, people who read local newspapers or watch television programmes such as Stephen Nolan’s latest shitstorm ‘The

Shock as Northern Ireland parties fail to agree on stuff

There was widespread bewilderment in Northern Irish political circles yesterday as the main Unionist and Nationalist parties failed to reach agreements on pacts within their respective designations. Talks between the DUP and UUP collapsed because – according to an insider – “They hate each other.” As a result it looks likely that the UUP will

Northern Ireland schools to be funded through supermarket loyalty cards

With the Stormont talks still in deadlock, the Conservative government has unveiled a radical new funding programme for the education sector in Northern Ireland. “It’s perfectly simple,” Secretary of State James Brokenshite told the House of Commons. “Instead of giving principals something extravagant like an adequate amount of money to run a school, we’re going to issue

DUP and Sinn Fein agree shock General Election pact

Northern Ireland’s two main parties have surprised experts by agreeing to work together to maximise their support in June’s snap General Election. It is understood that Gerry Adams met Arlene Foster for top secret talks at an undisclosed location in Co Fermanagh. Mr Adams later denied being at the meeting although this means that it

Robots to take control of Northern Ireland “until politicians get their sh*t together”

With the talks process grinding to a halt once again, presumably to give our hard-working politicians a well earned Easter Break, it has emerged that the British and Irish governments have turned to futuristic technology to fill the void left by our elected representatives. “Robots are more than capable of performing dull, repetitive tasks,” says