Local News

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Eamonn Holmes punching a horse “may be new Northern Ireland flag”

Eamonn Holmes assaulting a racehorse is just one of the designs being considered for a new flag for Northern Ireland, the Ulster Fry can reveal. After a Conservative MP suggested using the St Patrick’s Cross to represent the country, it was agreed to ask the This the Royal College of Arms to come up with ideas in an

World news

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How to survive Brexit – an Ulster Fry Guide

There’s turmoil in the financial markets, politicians are resigning left, right and centre, and no one seems to know whether we’re in, out or kinda half way out with our mammy saying you can’t go without a coat. However there are things we can all do to lessen the impact of the crisis – here’s

Business

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Pokemon Go overtakes Tinder as best app to pickup monsters near you

Online dating app Tinder dropped £500m on the global stock markets yesterday following news that it’s no longer the best way to find monsters near you. Nintendo’s Pokemon Go game has been a worldwide phenomenon since it’s release, with revolutionary technology that enables people to find horrible looking creatures in their area. However the Japanese gaming giant has been served with

Entertainment

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Thomas the Tank Engine quits show to ‘focus on more serious roles’

Veteran children’s TV star Thomas the Tank Engine has sensationally turned his back on his long running show in a bid to gain critical acclaim as an actor, The Ulster Fry can reveal. The moon faced entertainer’s agent Tamara Knight told us that after years of dealing with minor scrapes on Sodor Island, Mr Tank

Sport

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Russia to stage its own “off your tits” Olympics

With it looking increasingly likely that his country’s entire team may be banned from competing at the Rio Olympics due to systematic misuse of banned substances, Russian President Vladimir Putin has announced that Moscow will host its own event – specifically for people off their tits. The Ulster Fry met with the dictatorial leader at his

Politics

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UK leaders get together to launch The Swinger’s Party

The increasingly complicated world of UK politics took yet another strange turn today after senior figures in the Conservatives, Labour and UKIP got together to throw their leaders’ car keys into a bowl to see who’ll get to screw their respective parties next. Top Labour figure John Prescott drew first, shocking his colleagues by accidentally picking the Bentley Contemptible

Lifestyle

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Ards woman hospitalised after being asked to pay at shop till

A 47 year old Newtownards woman is said to be in a ‘stable, but critical’ condition after she was asked to pay for her shopping in the town’s branch of Asda. Eye-witnesses say that the woman, named locally as Donna Caddee, stood watching as the assistant scanned her shopping at the till, but appeared completely bewildered

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