Local News

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Naked brown sauce lady “not available in a bap”, insist Castlecourt

Following sensational scenes at Castlecourt today in which a naked woman was smothered in HP sauce, the shopping centre have denied rumours that she’ll soon be available in a bap. “Our protest was supposed to put people off meat!” said a disgruntled Sonya Vanilla-Latte from PETA. “So whilst the lady herself was indeed lovely, we want to dispel these rumours that she’s about

World news

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Christmas clubs a recruiting network for terrorists

An exhaustive investigation by The Ulster Fry Insight Team has uncovered convincing evidence that “High Street” Christmas Clubs are secretly recruiting members for terrorist groups across the globe. The clubs, supposedly designed to allow families to save for Christmas, have been established in shops across the country as fronts for groups including ISIS, Boko Haram

Business

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Price of Um Bongo sky-rockets as Brexit bites

The popular juice based drink Um Bongo is to double in price as supermarkets grapple with exchange rate fluctuations in the wake of the Brexit vote. “It’s an impossible situation,” says top economist Connery Wharf, “the pound is now so weak against the Congolese franc it’s inevitable that the cost of importing the refreshing children’s drink

Entertainment

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David Attenborough to film ‘Blue Bag Planet’ documentary in Norn Iron

Following the success of Planet Earth II, naturalist David Attenborough has decided to update his Blue Planet series by visiting one of the most inhospitable places on earth – Northern Ireland. Billed as the television event of the year, Blue Bag Planet will follow an indigenous species known as the Funnel Drinking Spide as it crosses treacherous

Sport

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BBC reveals ‘All England’ Sports Personality of the Year plans

In the light of the controversial decision to omit prominent Northern Irish sports people like Carl Frampton, Jonathan Rea, Bethany Firth and Jackie Fullerton from the Sports Personality shortlist this year, BBC Executives have confirmed that in future the award will be renamed the All-England Personality of the Year. “There’s no point in beating about

Politics

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Stormont executive fails to organise P*ss up in brewery

After agreeing to pay for a ferry that doesn’t work, and to cover the world’s biggest heating bill, recriminations are once again flying at Stormont over the failure to organise this year’s Christmas party, which had been planned as ‘a drinks-related celebration in a premises which brews and ferments alcoholic beverages’. “No-one’s really sure how

Lifestyle

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Everyone trying to find ways to avoid their relatives over Christmas

With Christmas just weeks away, families up and down the country are frantically trying to find excuses to avoid each other over the festive period. According to Holly Reith, an unemployed Christmas consultant from Broughshane, this is a tradition that dates back centuries. “It’s in the Bible,” she told us, “there we see the three

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