Local News


“We know who let the dogs out”, claim PSNI Craigavon

PSNI Craigavon’s humour-based policing strategy looks set to sensationally continue today on Facebook, with the news that they’re finally going to reveal who let the dogs out. “This new evidence will bring 16 years of faceless torment to an end!” said officer Jim Diesel from Craigavon’s Historical Enquiries Team. “Turns out a fella from Lurgan caught the whole thing on video tape in 2000. But apparently getting stuff

World news


‘Balakinis’ to be issued on Northern Irish beaches

Following the news that French authorities are forcing Burkini wearing women to strip off – local councils in Northern Ireland have also released guidelines for how people should dress on their beaches. However the authorities here are turning the French plan on its head and demanding that all visitors cover up as much as possible by



Belfast to have “five more quarters” by 2025, say Council

With today’s announcement of a £27m rejuvenation of the area surrounding University of Ulster’s Belfast campus, the city council have revealed an ambitious new plan to further “quarterise” the city into trendy hotspots with hipster-sounding names. Belfast is famously home to 5 quarters already of course, the nearest and most popular of which will be dramatically impacted by the new plans.



Democracy to be abolished after Mrs Brown poll win

The inexplicable decision of the British public to vote Mrs Brown’s Boys the best sitcom of the 21st century has resulted in the immediate suspension of voting rights in the UK. The UN stepped in this morning to effectively abolish democracy, opting to place a group of small children in charge of the country for



Relief as Olympics finally end

Everyone is looking forward to settling down and watching the normal shite that television channels spew out, after two solid weeks of watching annoyingly talented, healthy young people doing sport. According to the University of Craigavon, Olympic fatigue began to set in at the end of week one after exhausted viewers sat up to watch



Sinn Fein to offer new range of ‘coaching’ services

With Sinn Fein embroiled in controversy over their alleged coaching of ‘Loyalist blogger’ Jamie Bryson for a Stormont Committee, The Ulster Fry can exclusively reveal that this is just a small part of their plan to enter the lucrative coaching business on a more permanent basis. A senior insider told us that if working with someone



“Our European stores are full of weird Northern Irish stuff” admits Lidl

Whilst Ulster shoppers have long enjoyed buying unpronounceable foreign brands at Lidl, the supermarket chain has only just revealed that its stores on mainland Europe are conversely stocked with Northern Irish products that continental customers have never heard of. “Ze veggie roll ist our favourite!” confirmed German shopper, Hans Crownfeld. “Est ist so delizious, especially inside und slice of Knutty Krust. So it is”