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Florida man fails in Lagan bubble attempt

An American daredevil found floating in an inflatable bubble off the coast of Florida may have been trying to get to Northern Ireland, the Ulster Fry has learned. Like every other American, Reza Baluchi claims to have Irish ancestry and has always wanted to be the first person to actually come up the Lagan in

Business

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World first for NI as local boss actually sticks job up his hole

After decades of taunting from people who angrily quit work, one local boss has finally made good on an age-old parting suggestion and literally stuck his job up his arse. “It started like any other shift” explained Chuck McNugget from Belfast Fried Chicken. “Kayleigh was on the tills and I was hovering around doing everyones head in for doing nothing – even though there

Entertainment

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Britain’s Got Talent has “too many immigrants”, claim arseholes

Some of the nation’s best known and respected racists have unanimously slammed ITV talent show Britain’s Got Talent for having “too many Jonny foreigners”. Paul Golding, leader of national insecurity movement Britain First said “It’s supposed to be about the best talent in Britain, yet we’ve got thon Russian fella swallowing swords, an American doll doing ballet and some big f**k off

Sport

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Shock as Belfast gym fanatic set to NOT compete in bodybuilding show

Despite attending the gym regularly and being in what one fitness expert called ‘good nick’, 28 year old Latspread McCafferty has shocked the fitness world today by announcing that he will not be competing in a bodybuilding competition this summer. The bizarre decision has sparked panic throughout Northern Ireland’s fitness industry, which contractually obliges regular gym members to be photographed flexing their muscles

Politics

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MLAs to watch cartoons until the summer recess

With a new Executive in place, Northern Ireland’s MLAs are to spend the next month watching DVDs until their summer holidays start, The Ulster Fry has learned. After a short debate about what to show, Stormont caretaker Mr Chambers wheeled the big TV on the trolley into the assembly chamber, and everyone settled down for cartoon time. We understand

Lifestyle

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Panini unveil new panini sticker album (of paninis)

Italian sticker giant Panini has really given its fans something to get their teeth into, a Euro 2016 album devoted entirely to panini sandwiches. Launching the new collection, company chairman Giotta Lottaswapsi told press that his firm was confident of success. “We needa to find newa ways of pleasing our customores,” he told reporters. “We’ve had about 40

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